3 Weeks Post-Op Update (physical and emotional healing)

Hey Everybody,

I am now officially 3 weeks post-op, and it's been about a week since I last posted so I'm just going to do an update about how things have been over the last week.

Physical Healing

I've definitely seen some big improvements in healing this week. A lot of the stitches have dissolved. Everything is looking better and better. I went a whole week without contacting Dr. Medalie worrying about healing! lol So that definitely tells me I'm doing a lot better. I did finally hit him up Sunday. I took pictures of the underside of the penis right where it meets the body and asked if it was looking okay. That place seems to be healing the slowest. Maybe because it's under the penis and the top of the testicles are right against it so I imagine it doesn't get very much air. But the Dr. said it looks like it's doing just fine, it's "just some scabby healing" and to continue to wash it with warm soapy water twice a day and apply Aquaphor.

Walking is becoming much easier. I mean it's still a little tight at times. Especially if I do a lot of walking or a lot of sitting, but for the most part, it's a heck of a lot easier to walk than it was before. Sitting straight up is still the hardest thing, but that has also greatly improved. Today I went to dinner with friends and if you include the car ride there and back I must have been sitting for 4-5 hours with very little standing so that's pretty good! By the time I was on the car ride home though my genital area wasn't happy. lol It didn't hurt, per se, it just felt very uncomfortable and swollen. First thing I did when I came home, shorts came off, put an ice pack on it, and took 800mg of Ibuprofen to reduce inflammation. By the time the ice was ready to come off (20 minutes later) I felt fine again.

So that's basically where I am at physically. I still have more healing to do, but I can do a lot at this point. I pretty much just listen to my body. Take the Ibuprofen occasionally and ice occasionally if I feel like I need it. I also make sure to wash it in the morning and at night as well as apply the Aquaphor to all the incision lines and irritated areas. Oh I did have one noteworthy thing that happened yesterday, I was washing the penis and it seemed like I had some dead skin on the side of each so I took one of those puff sponges and gently cleaned the sides of the penis to exfoliate and A LOT of dead skin came off. And then the penis was all raw on both sides. I think it's a matter of I probably wasn't washing it well enough because the area is sensitive so I'm still pretty careful with it all, plus the stitches above the testicles rub on the side of my penis and irritate it. So ya, that was gross, and concerning, but when I really took a look at it, it seemed fine. I had a very similar experience after my chest surgery, there was an area that was particularly sensitive so I never really scrubbed it and then like a month after surgery I finally did and there was tons of dead skin and it was gross. So I'm thinking this is the same deal. It burns ever so slightly when I first get in the shower now, but there was no blood at all and it looks fine, just kind of pink and raw, so I'm just keeping it clean and continuing to apply the Aquaphor (which is a healing ointment similar to Vaseline recommended by my surgeon). I think it should be fine but if at any point it gets worse I'll contact Medalie.

And just as a comment, my mons resection a.k.a. pubic lift (the cosmetic lift done to move the genital area to be more upfront on the body), the only time I even notice it is if I'm wearing pants that rub on the area a lot. It makes the area really sensitive and irritated. The actual incision is still almost entirely covered with steri strips so I don't have a good idea of what it looks like. I do know that it is almost 7 inches long but it is where my pubic hair is so it isn't something that will be visible until I'm naked. Also, there is an inch on one side where the steri strip has fallen off and in that inch most of it has a ton of glue so I can't see the scar but there is this tiny tiny little section without glue or steri strip and the scar line looks SUPER thin! So if the rest of the scar turns out that thin I think it's going to look fantastic. I have used silicone scar strips on other areas of my body to reduce the appearance of scars and they actually sell 7 in long ones for surgical scars so once all of the steri strips and glue is off I'm going to get the scar strips. For those who've never heard of them, you have to wear them on your scar for 18-24 hours a day, everyday, for a recommend 3 months but trust me, they work! Even if you have an old rough looking scar, try the silicone scar strips for 3 months and I bet you'll see a huge difference. They are awesome. With how awesome Dr. Medalie did in the formation of this pubic lift incision, combined with the fact that I'll be using the silicone scar strips, I have a feeling my scar is going to heal quite nicely!

Speaking of scars, the scar forming on the underside of the penis also looks pretty good, I mean at this point it's kind of an indent where there is still some undissolved stitches and still a good amount of swelling so it's really hard to say but it looks like once all the swelling and stitches are gone it will be nice. And the scar on the front of each testicle is healing fantastically well. Almost all of the stitches are gone from the testicles and you can hardly notice the scar at only 3 weeks post op. I definitely think in time those are also going to fade to nothing. I personally tend to scar pretty badly on most parts of my body, but I've always heard the genital area tends to be an area that scars very well on most people.

Emotional Healing

Now let's talk about the emotional aspect of healing over the last week. I was going a little stir crazy for a while there. I hardly left the house from Saturday until Thursday. I know I went out to like Best Buy once with a friend and grabbed a bite to eat here and there but for the most part it was a lot of sitting and laying around the house being lazy. I am normally a VERY active guy and really under estimated how tired frustrating it was going to be to heal. I bounced back ridiculously fast after chest surgery, I guess I was expecting to have a similar experience. I think during this last week I was definitely starting to experience some post-op depression. I really just didn't want to do anything because it was starting to get so frustrating to me that whenever I try to do stuff it would start to make me sore or uncomfortable or just plain tired. The week before that I had a lot of moments where I was really scared and paranoid that I wasn't healing properly (which Dr. Medalie always confirmed that I was doing fine) because I am a worrier by nature. lol But it was really tough at times, I cried sometimes because I was worrying so much. Thank God by the time I hit the 2 week mark everything was looking good enough that I didn't feel like I had to worry so much, but that's around the the time when the frustration of healing started to happen. I started feeling tired and wiped out emotionally not just physically. It takes a lot out of you to worry the way I do. lol And then I got in this funk from Saturday to Thursday when I just didn't want to do anything except lie in bed.

By the time Thursday rolled around I was going crazy. Luckily, Thursday I had a therapist appointment scheduled and I had no one to drive me to it so I drove for the first time. In hindsight I probably could have driven much sooner but I was so sluggish and didn't want to do anything so I didn't bother trying. But anyways, I went to the therapist and talked to her. She told me to get out there and make plans with people! So that's what I did. I posted a facebook status basically telling everyone that I'm able to drive again and I'm feeling well enough to go out or have people visit but that I just can't do anything that involves a ton of walking or sitting in an uncomfortable chair for a long period of time. And a lot of people contacted me asking to hang so Thurs until today, Tuesday, I've been doing LOTS of stuff! Hanging out with lots of friends. Some have come over and visited and we just sit outside in the gazebo talking and laughing. I've gone to friends houses to watch movies, play video games, hang out and go out for dinner. I also went to the picnic of my transgender support group which was super cool and definitely something I needed to lift my spirits. Oh and I went out and got a new facial piercing. lol I had been considering it for a long time and I figured it'd get my mind off of healing. So I got my septum done!

During my low period I was having lots of negative thoughts, like "what did I do to deserve this surgery?" and "what have I done for my community?" I talked about those feelings with my therapist, some friends, and a mentor I reconnected with. Everybody said the same thing, I've done a lot just by putting my story out there. By doing the fundraising page, by keeping this blog, and by giving resources to people who come to me with questions. I felt better talking about it and I really think it was just negative thoughts because I was feeling the lows of healing but it still inspired me. I want to do more for my community I just had no idea how I could go about doing that. And the universe must have been looking out for me, because that night when the negative feelings were at their worse, I received an e-mail from the Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition (MTPC) stating that they would soon be starting a training program called the Community Advocates program which would train people on how to become a transgender advocate in their community. Basically, they teach you how to run workshops to facilities, schools, workplaces, etc. on how to be trans-friendly or more accommodating, as well as supplying these advocates with whatever other skills and tools they will need to improve the atmosphere for transgender people in their local community. Well I applied, I thought it sounded perfect! I've been wanting to volunteer my time to help the trans community. I have a psychology degree, and have years doing different social services work and volunteering with a variety of different populations as well as living the trans experience (that's got to count for something right?). They accepted me. Maybe they accept everyone. lol But I felt really special and happy that they accepted my application and allowed me into the program. It's going to begin in October and I'm really excited to be a part of this. My mother always tells me she believes I have so much potential and should be helping other trans people. My mentor always encouraged the same thing. I've always wanted to and I think this program is going to show me how.

So overall, yes, I had a bit of a rough patch, but now I feel like I have my 'mojo' back. Even though I'm not 100% physically able to do the things I want to do just yet, instead of laying in bed all day being all mopey, I'm going out with friends and doing fun things that I can handle. Oddly enough, I think when I started to do more stuff, it feels like my body took a big turn for the better int he physical healing department. As soon as I started moving around, I started feeling way better physically. I guess I thought laying in bed and resting a lot would help me heal faster, and I'm sure resting to an extent does help, but moving around more and just being out and about doing little things has made a tremendous difference. Also, I think the Community Advocate program thing really gave me hope for the future and just served to remind me, I'm capable, I'm smart, I have a ton of potential, and I rather than sit around sulking about not having done enough for my community I'm going to be able to do something that I can feel good about. I used to do a lot of volunteer work in college but after college I stopped and you know how it is, life happens, you get busy with this or that and say you want to do something but never get around to it. I'm excited to get back on the horse and I think it'll be especially awesome that I'll be doing the volunteer work specifically to help transgender people.

I don't want this blog to turn into a diary, but I felt it was important to share the things that have been going on in my head. I want to share the lows as well as the highs, because going into this I really underestimated the lows! So if you want my advice, don't let yourself fall into a post-op depression. Make plans to keep doing stuff you can handle doing, even if it just means having coffee with a friend. Don't give yourself too much time to just sit there and worry or lay there babying yourself and sulking. My go to pick me up for when I'm starting to feel down is to go for a long run but obviously I can't do that so I had to find other ways to make me feel happy. Keep that in mind if you're as active a guy as I am.

Anyways, right now, I'm feeling great and looking great, so I can't complain! :-]