1 year post-op!!!!!! 3 months post-op revision surgery.

Hey Everybody!

So I recently passed my 1 year post-op anniversary! And I am now 3 months post-op from my revision surgery so I thought I would talk a little about that experience and just update everyone about how I'm doing.

Revision Experience -

I went to Cleveland. My girlfriend and I rented a car and drove out there the day before surgery. I had surgery the following morning as an out patient procedure in his office. They prescribed me Ativan beforehand and I was instructed to take it 90 minutes before my procedure. So by the time I was walking into his office I was quite high and not at all nervous about surgery. lol So if there is anything you really want to talk to your surgeon about be sure to do it before revision day. I talked to him while under the influence, but he all ready had an idea of what he was doing before I came in so it's fine.

One complaint, I have told them a million times that I have an allergy to latex. It should say it on my file because when I filled out a medical history I wrote it on there. And they put it in the computer when I had the original surgery. And when I was in the waiting room I told the nurse when she came out to talk to me. I knew that they should be reminded because they have to set up special equipment usually when someone has a latex allergy. I found that out on original surgery day. When I told them I had a latex allergy while in the pre-op room and the nurse said they had to set up a new surgical room. They should have known but whatever, I understand mistakes happen and that's why I brought it to their attention. And that's why I brought it to the nurses attention when she came to talk to me in the waiting room before my revision. Sooooooo then I get into the room with the doctor and of course one of the first things he asked is "do you have an allergy?" And I say, "Yes, latex." And he started catching an attitude with me saying "You have to tell people these things." blah blah blah. That's when his nurse intervened and said "Oh, no he did tell me when we were out in the waiting room and I told him it was fine." Communication people! Come on! But anyways, he shut up when she said that. And he's lucky I was very high on Ativan or else I would have been mad. Anyways, he then went and got his latex free surgical things and all was fine in that regard.

The surgery was pretty quick. I don't have much concept of how long ti took exactly but I was practically falling asleep through it. The injections of the numbing medicine burned. The one in the tip of my penis especially sucked. lol But it made the area nice and numb for him to do his work and I was very unphased by it all. I laid there listening to his raido relaxing. When I was done the nurse walked me out to my gf in the waiting room. My gf took me out to a restaurant. I was fine but I was still super super high from the medicine. lol Then I went home and rested all day. The next day my girlfriend drove us home. I was fine on the car ride home. It was not nearly as painful as the original surgery. And I was back to work in a week after the revision surgery. Granted I was sitting on a pillow because my right testicle was bruised and I had stitches at the bottom of it so I was sitting directly on my stitches. But it really wasn't bad. It was nothing compared to the original surgery.

Another thing worth mentioning, I was charged $500 for this revision surgery. I personally think it should have been a free revision since it was in office and since it was mostly stuff that the surgeon could have prevented but I digress. I didn't make a big deal about it because I wanted it done and over with. I also didn't want to piss off someone who was going to do surgery on my penis. I also saved money by staying with a friend rather than in a hotel so I managed.

Results of Revision Surgery - 

In my last post I discussed the three things I needed done during my revision surgery. 1. extra skin removed at the base of my penis 2. foreskin fixed up a little 3. right testicle moved up more forward.

1. I'm happy with the extra skin removed at the base of my penis. It no longer reminds me of the outer labia that used to be there so I'm very happy about that because that was making me very uncomfortable.

2. Foreskin looks great! It's nice and uniform around the head now. I like it and I'm glad I had him touch that area up while I was under the knife.

3. He moved it up a bit. It's still lower then the left one but now the skin is more stretched out and moves easier. It is more in front of my legs when I'm standing normal so it looks better and is more comfortable. I haven't tried riding a bike yet so we'll see how that goes whenever I get around to doing that. I plan on doing some scrotal stretching to hopefully let everything hang more freely and now that my balls has been moved forward I am capable to do scrotal stretching. Before it was so low and tight it just wasn't possible to get anything wrapped around both testicles at the same time but now I can. So I'm very happy with that. Part of not having skin expanders put in before surgery means you are probably going to have a tighter scrotum depending on what kind of skin you have. I only wanted one main surgery and didn't want to deal with the pain and extra money of expanders so I took the risk knowing I'd probably have a tight scrotum. But like I said, now they are both placed in a good spot where I can put a scrotum stretcher above them and just let the skin stretch. The skin has also been stretching a lot on it's own over time for sure, I just want to help them along. lol

1 year Post-Op Update - 

It's been a whole year! Well I still love it. I still love seeing myself naked. I got nude and showed my penis to a room full of other trans guys at a lower surgery work shop at the Philadelphia Trans Health Conference. That was pretty cool! As I mentioned, as time goes on the scrotal skin is getting loser and moves more freely which is nice and I want it to continue to get loser so it moves more naturally.

Oh I had a very nice experience at the beach the other day. It was my first time going to the beach since having lower surgery. And for the first time, I didn't have to worry when getting in and out of the water about my lack of a bulge. While my penis is very small and therefore so is my bulge, there is still certainly enough there that when the shorts cling to me getting out of the water you can tell something is there. Before surgery I was always uncomfortable and nervous about that while swimming, especially at the beach where I am usually in semi shallow water and come in and out of waist level water frequently. Pre-op my wet bathing suit made it very apparent (at least in my mind) that nothing was there. But to my pleasant surprise, when I reached to move my clinging wet bathing suit away from my body I realized the clinging wet bathing suit just accentuates my package. lol So it's really super cool to not have to worry about that. And it was nice to have one of those moments where I'm reminded that having surgery is such a big relief. Now that I'm a year post-op it's easy to forget what it was like before. I'm glad that I was reminded how lucky I am to have had surgery. It's all those little nervous anxiety things about my genitals that were distracting me from living life before and while I am still trans and don't have a cis penis, my penis greatly improves my life by freeing me from a lot of the worrying and discomfort I used to live with. So it's really nice to say the least!

No regrets thus far. Again, sensation is fantastic, and aesthetically I'm very pleased. I still have my hang ups on how small it is and I have not ruled out phalloplasty down the road whenever insurance companies start to cover, but for now, this is exactly what I needed to be able to live comfortably. And for those who have not read my older posts, my urethra is untouched so that if I ever do have phalloplasty it wont increase my risk of urethra lengthening complications. Having a meta with urethra lengthening and then later going on to have your urethra lengthened again through a phallo increases your risk for strictures. Urethra lengthening is all ready a risky thing, and with the surgery I was having I did not want to potentially limit my future options or increase my risks for urethra lengthening. I don't know for sure if I will definitely seek phallo in the future but it's a very real possibility so I want to keep my options open. And as I've mentioned in the past, the surgery I chose was the option that would make me comfortable in my skin for now until I decide if further surgery will be necessary.

My Life Since Surgery - 

A few things worth mentioning, since having my original surgery life has been good! Since I was no longer struggling to save up for surgery I finally felt I was ready to move out of my parents house. So in November of last year I moved to Providence, RI and I now live here with some roommates. I was also asked to become a peer facilitator for the local trans support group here in Providence because the other facilitator was moving away. And that's been really cool to be a part of that. I am also involved with TGI Network of RI which is an organization that services the needs of transgender, gender variant, and intersexed individuals in RI. 

Non-trans related stuff, I got a job working an emergency veterinary hospital and I love it!!!!! I also got a kitten recently that came in as a stray at work. And he's the cutest little guy!

Oh and in December I started dating my girlfriend. She is awesome and super supportive. I will mention what that was like since some of you guys might wonder about dating while post-op meta. We met on OkCupid.com and on my profile I had stated that I was trans so I didn't really have to "come-out" about that. She was very much okay with me being trans and even though she had never dated a trans person before she is very trans-savvy. But we did talk a little about my genitals before getting in the sack. As many of you may know, the common myths are that "no trans men have lower surgery" or that "all trans men have lower surgery". In my experience, most queer or trans-savvy people assume you have no had surgery. But I have experienced the people that assume I have had surgery and even if they do, I feel like I need to disclose a little about my genitals beforehand since I don't have the typical cisgender penis package. Your mileage may vary. lol Anyways, somehow or another on the second date, at a restaurant we got on the subject of my penis. (Typical charming guy, talking about his penis at a restaurant on the second date.) But in vague terms I explained that I had lower surgery, which I was a little nervous about because I figured she had assumed that I didn't have lower surgery and I was worried how she would react to finding out I had surgery. People can sometimes be weird or uncomfortable with that sort of thing. But after I told her I had surgery I did feel the need to elaborate that my genitals were different than cisgender genitals. That part of the convo is not something that I would have really talked about with friends or casual acquaintances lol. But talking to someone who I was interested in sexually I personally felt I wanted her to know what I had going on in my pants ahead of time because sometimes when you tell someone you had surgery they assume your penis is just like every cis gender penis they've been with and I wanted to clarify. What other people disclose to partners about their body is up to them and they can do whatever they want to do, I'm just saying with me, I wanted to at least let her know that I had surgery, that my penis definitely "works" as in it has great sensation and I get erections, but it's very small and for the type of surgery I had, my set-up is not exactly that of a cisgender guy.

And she was super cool about everything. The conversation was very nonchalant. There was humor involved and it was light-hearted. I felt very comfortable sharing with her and she was very receptive of it all. And because of that conversation, I wasn't worrying in the back of my mind about how she was going to react when she "found out." So before we started being physically intimate, I was able to just get to know her and not really worry about that. When we did eventually start having sex, I was also very happy that she all ready knew about my fancy penis and there was no really big surprises. lol And something I think about a lot, I'm really happy that she never knew me pre-op. I feel like it gives me a certain level of comfort with her only having ever interacted with my body this way. I have a very deep level of comfort with her that I've never had before and it's awesome. Whether its from having surgery, or just because she's an amazingly accepting and wonderful person, I don't know, but I imagine it's a little of both.

Sooooo, I will leave everything at that. Maybe in a few months I'll update about how ball stretching is going and talk about anything else that might come up. Feel free to ask questions in the comments section, I get notified by e-mail when someone asks a question and I try to get back to them within a few days. Plus I'm very open and the whole point of this blog is to answer people's questions so go right ahead.

Take care!

Long Overdue Update!!! 9-Months post-op from surgery

Oh boy! Long overdue update. I'm sorry, I've been busy with life and overall after a certain point not much changes with healing so there really wasn't all that much to say.

I just had a minor revision surgery and I'll make a separate post addressing that specifically but let me tell you what lead to having this revision surgery.  I absolutely loved and was happy with having surgery but there were three things that needed some tweaking. I'll go from greatest to least importance to me.

First, once all of the swelling came down (which takes many months slowly over time) I was able to see that there was in fact skin left over just to the side of the base of my penis above my right testicle. Basically what I'm saying here is there was left over outer labia. And it had to go. There was no question in my mind ever at any point if I was going to leave it there. Once it became apparent that it was there, I knew I was going to need a revision. People who have seen it assured me that it didn't look bad and just looked like it was a part of the scrotal skin but I didn't care. I knew that it was labial skin, it reminded me too much of what used to be there, and I knew it had to go.

Second, the damn right testicle. lol With the mass amount of swelling after the operation it basically pushed the right testicle somewhat into my body and way lower than the left one. When I was laying down or sitting, the testicles looked quite normal but when I was standing normal the right was so low that basically my testicles would be one in front of the other and you could hardly even see my right testicle when I was standing. Which I didn't like very much. Though it wasn't the end of the world, I still wanted to have it moved more forward on my body. They didn't have to be perfectly symmetrical because I know cisgendered men's balls are often not symmetrical and that's totally natural and normal but I felt mine were just a little too crazy to look natural. It went beyond that natural asymmetry and into the odd zone in my opinion.

In earlier months of the healing process the low testicle was very annoying and uncomfortable. I would sit on it. It felt like it was going inside of me and was uncomfortable. It would hurt if I tried to ride a bike. Things like that were bothersome. But as time went on and the skin started to loosen up and swelling went down it became a lot less physically uncomfortable. Once things loosened a bit, it started to move out of the way when I was doing stuff basically. lol I can feel them move past each other and what not when I'm moving around and it's not uncomfortable. So a few months ago the low ball was probably my biggest concern but once it wasn't bothering me physically anymore it became less of a concern. Though I still wanted the thing lifted up more in front of my body which is why it's another thing I asked for in my revision procedure.

Third, the head and foreskin needed a little bit of tweaking. It wasn't bad at all and if it had been the only problem I sure as hell wouldn't have seeked a revision for it. It's really hard to explain but basically the foreskin didn't wrap around the head in a very symmetrical way. In other words one part of the glans (head) stuck out a lot more form the foreskin while the other side was more covered. It wasn't that big of a deal but since I was all ready going under the knife for a revision I figured I'd have it fixed.

Funny story, while I knew it bothered me a little, I hadn't even been planning on having it fixed. I was thinking "Ah, I shouldn't mess with the tip of my penis. It's the most important part and it's doing just fine!" lol But then I got to my doctors office for the revision procedure.... I was very high on ativan which had been prescribed to keep me calm since I would be awake for the procedure. And under the influence of ativan, when the doctor was going over what we had talked about for the revision, he followed it up with "Anything else you want done?" To which I replied, "Actually!!!......" And we discussed fixing the head and I decided to go for it and have it touched up. So that was literally done on a whim. lol No regrets though. I'm happy I decided to have it fixed up. I was there and if I was gonna get all the other things that bothered me fixed might as well go for it all, right? lol So that happened.

Mhmm, so that is where I was at just before I had my revision surgery. Honestly, you weren't missing anything from 3 months post-op to 9 months post-op. Not much happened other than me noticing these three things that bothered me once the swelling came down.

FYI, so with these surgeries, the surgeons do the best they possibly can in the original procedure. But they are not miracle workers and they are doing a lot of stuff at once. Then everything swells up and once things heal everything can look a lot different. It's not uncommon for people to decide they might want some revisions. Some people don't need them, some people do. It's the luck of the draw I guess. In my situation, I could have "lived" without the revisions but I absolutely despised that extra skin and I would have been very uncomfortable not getting rid of it so for me, the revision was needed and worth it. Another person might have had the same results as me and maybe it wouldn't have bothered them and they wouldn't have bothered to have a revision. It can often be a very personal choice. (Side note: sometimes revisions are not just a personal choice, such as when there are surgical complications that absolutely need to be addressed. Examples: painful positioning of implants, urethra fistula - hole in the urethra, or a urethra stricture - tightening and possible closure of the urethra.)

But, I had my revision surgery 3 days ago, so for my next blog post I will talk all about my experience going back to Cleveland for my revision surgery.

Revision Surgery - 3 Days Post-Op

(AH!! I just realized I saved this post as a draft but never actually clicked publish!!!! I'm so sorry about that! Here it is, 3 months after I originally wrote it. lol)


Hey everybody,

I had my revision in his office under local anesthesia. He had me take ativan 90 minutes prior to the procedure so I was very calm and really really calm. lol I was actually falling asleep while he was doing it. It was very nice. I felt him give me the shots of lidocaine which burns for 10 seconds but after that everything was numb and he was doing his thing while I was falling asleep listening to the music he had playing in the background. Vastly different experience then when I had my chest revision under local anesthesia and was very conscious and freaking out the whole entire time. So this was a piece of cake!

I had him lift my right testicle that was sitting a lot lower than the left one. I also had some outter labia left over at the base of my penis above the right testicle and I hated it so he removed that. And I had him tweak the head a little bit. I wanted the head to look a little more symmetrical on both sides so he adjusted that a bit.

Only had to stay in Cleveland for 1 day. Pain hasn't been very bad. He prescribed me pain meds but I really haven't needed much of it. Mostly it's just some serious soreness and occasional aching of the stitches below my balls. Makes it very uncomfortable to sit and walk around.

So ya, I'm healing now. Hopefully that pesky right ball doesn't go back down because I really like it in this position. But I was much more concerned about the extra labia skin at the base of my penis and that is gone so I'm very happy about that! And the adjusting of the head/foreskin symmetry wasn't even a big huge deal to me but since I was all ready there to fix other stuff I figured I might as well have that done too. I'll update when I'm healed up.

6 Weeks Post-Op (Infection, back to work, back to exercising)

Hey All,

I'm now 6 weeks post-op and I felt it was high time I posted an update because it's been about 2.5 weeks since my last update. To bring you up to speed, everything is good overall but I did have a little infection for a little while there. Which is a big part of why I didn't update. If you read my last post I was all ready really frustrated with healing and then I got the infection and was REALLY fed up with healing. lol So I didn't want to make a post of me just complaining about everything. I was confident I would get through it eventually but boy I was feeling negative about everything so I figured I'd write about it once I had a hold on things. And then I went back to work a week ago and got kind of busy with that. lol But now that you're up to date let me elaborate on my infection and how I'm healing so far.

The Infection 

In hindsight it wasn't really that bad. In the moment it was scary but I never had a fever. I never felt physically ill. Basically what happened, there seems to be an increase in swelling in the penis and the penis felt particularly sensitive all of a sudden. At times the sensitivity was to the point of being painful. I wasn't too concerned and attributed it to not taking the Ibuprofen anymore. But then, puss started coming out. lol Yes, very gross. It wasn't any crazy colors or anything it was just normal, albeit gross, puss. So I went to the ER. They gave me oral antibiotics as well as an antibiotic ointment to apply to the area and told me to follow up with my primary doctor in about 5 days. They took a culture of the area and said the results would be sent to my doctor. I was extremely nervous about going to the ER with my post-op penis because I have had less than adequate care in other healthcare facilities and this was going to involve me telling them my story and showing them my genitals. BUT, everyone was totally respectful and cool about everything. I'm pretty sure the doctor had never seen an FTM post-op penis, because he couldn't even pronounce the word metoidioplasty, which is okay because I'm not sure I'm pronouncing it right half the time either. lol But he wasn't weird about it in the slightest and was very matter-of-fact about it. He said, I'm going to treat you with medicine that handles all the common types of post-op infections, so you're going to be fine. Slapped me on the ass and told me to have a nice day. Okay that last part isn't true.  

And he was right! Well at least so far so good. Knock on wood. I went on the antibiotics and instantly things looked better. Although at around day 4 I had a little bit more puss come out. When I followed up with my doctor on day 5, she said the little bit of puss might have just been some that worked it's way out but she extended my antibiotics from a 7 day schedule to a 10 day schedule just to be safe. I've been off the antibiotics for 6 days now and there doesn't seem to be a problem. I'm still keeping a watchful eye on it though.

I discussed my infection with Dr. Medalie (my surgeon) via e-mail and he said he "didn't believe it was surgery related because of the area infected." In other words he didn't believe it was a typical staph infection because it wasn't in an area right around any incision lines. So I asked my primary care doctor, "how could I get a random infection in that area at a time when I'm washing it with antibacterial soap twice a day? It's probably the cleanest it's ever been!" And she elaborated that while it might not have been a "staph infection directly related from surgery" having a surgery lowers your immune system plus I had a lot of inflammation in the area which probably made me more susceptible. So basically they don't believe it was a full blown staph infection from surgery but indirectly this surgery may have caused it. Which is good, because from what I hear staph infections are terrible. I asked my primary doctor if my penis was going to fall off. She was dying laughing, but reassured me that "No, it would not." And that's all that really mattered to me at that point. lol

So things are looking good considering I'm 6 weeks post-op. There are a few very minor cosmetic things that I'm hoping will change over time. It's still really early on in the healing process to know how things are really going to look. As the swelling goes down things start to take shape. Things are going to keep changing over the course of the next maybe 6 months to a year. So at this point I'm not stressing about any asymmetries. Worse case scenario in a year I can go back and have him do some very minor touch up work. But it's still very possible that in a few months things will look even better. I know with my chest surgery, right after, it looks pretty jacked up, but by the 1 year mark it looked tremendously different. 'Gotta give the body time to heal.

Back to Work!! 

Speaking of healing, back to work and functioning pretty damn close to normal at this point. I have never been so happy to get back to work. In hindsight, I might have been babying myself more then necessary. But it doesn't matter. I'm out and about now running around at work chasing after kids and what not. lol And I feel great to be doing stuff again. I'm not the kind of guy that can be happy just sitting around watching TV all day. 

I did purchase a soft cup and wear it at work. It serves a couple purposes. As annoying and sweaty as it can sometimes be, it allows me to wear nicer pants and not have to worry about the friction against my healing genitals. Up until I started working I almost exclusively wore gym shorts and I really didn't want to go to work in gym shorts. lol Also, I really do sometimes have to run after kids in my job, and the soft cup keeps my thighs from knocking everything around, so that's nice. The other thing about working with kids is they are all at a height where it is very easy to be knocked in the genitals, so the cup also offers protection when a 100 kids are running around the playground like maniacs. I feel safe with the soft cup on. Not sure how long I'll wear it. 

I also have a couple hard cups but at this point they're way too uncomfortable to wear. I am currently working on integrating a student into the typical 1st grade class, but next week I'll be back to my normal class room where the kids are a little more rough, shall we say. Some hit or headbutt and these are little guys but they are right at that level where I'd be seeing stars if they made the right contact. lol So when I get back to working in my normal class room I might wear the hard cup. We'll see. Depends if by next week I'm at a place where I can stand to wear it for 7 straight hours. If not, then I'll wear the soft one, and be very mindful of my surroundings at all times. I'm not too worried because at this point I don't think it's going to cause any serious damage. My incision lines are pretty well healed and I only have a few stubborn stitches that haven't dissolved yet. I just think it will hurt like hell because it's still really sensitive down there. Maybe it always will be. Maybe this is just part of having external genitals. The world becomes such a scary place when you have external genitals. lol I at least want to wait until all my stitches are gone and then I'll consider losing the cup.

Exercise

Oh yes, and back to exercising. Still not doing any lower body or cardio stuff because I am paranoid I'll hurt the testicles. The body basically forms a sort of capsule around the testicle implants over the first few months and until that happens I don't wanna do anything to make it more to a bad position. One is all ready lower then I'd like it to be. It doesn't look unnatural because I know a lot of cis-men don't have testicles that are perfectly side by side but I don't want it to go any lower so I'm trying not to aggravate it.

I've been doing lots of weight lifting for my upper body. Getting the heart pumping makes me feel so good. I think that was a big part of why I've been feeling so blah. Exercise is really important to my emotional stability. When I don't exercise regularly I get depressed easily so I am very happy to be back at it. 

Well that is enough for now. At this point the changes in it are slower and a lot less drastic than the first couple weeks so I'll try to update every couple of weeks with how things are going. I still want to talk in depth about the pubic lift (aka mons resection) but I want to wait until I'm a little more healed so that I can really give my opinion of how it has or has not helped the placement of things. At this point, I want to say, yes it has helped drastically! But I don't know if in a few months when all the swelling is down I might feel differently so before I really elaborate on that I'm going to let my body do some more healing. I will also talk more about aesthetics and function etc. when my body is a little more healed. For now, I'm doing all the things I need to do. I feel almost back to normal at this point. 

And I'm still extremely happy with my result. :-]

3 Weeks Post-Op Update (physical and emotional healing)

Hey Everybody,

I am now officially 3 weeks post-op, and it's been about a week since I last posted so I'm just going to do an update about how things have been over the last week.

Physical Healing

I've definitely seen some big improvements in healing this week. A lot of the stitches have dissolved. Everything is looking better and better. I went a whole week without contacting Dr. Medalie worrying about healing! lol So that definitely tells me I'm doing a lot better. I did finally hit him up Sunday. I took pictures of the underside of the penis right where it meets the body and asked if it was looking okay. That place seems to be healing the slowest. Maybe because it's under the penis and the top of the testicles are right against it so I imagine it doesn't get very much air. But the Dr. said it looks like it's doing just fine, it's "just some scabby healing" and to continue to wash it with warm soapy water twice a day and apply Aquaphor.

Walking is becoming much easier. I mean it's still a little tight at times. Especially if I do a lot of walking or a lot of sitting, but for the most part, it's a heck of a lot easier to walk than it was before. Sitting straight up is still the hardest thing, but that has also greatly improved. Today I went to dinner with friends and if you include the car ride there and back I must have been sitting for 4-5 hours with very little standing so that's pretty good! By the time I was on the car ride home though my genital area wasn't happy. lol It didn't hurt, per se, it just felt very uncomfortable and swollen. First thing I did when I came home, shorts came off, put an ice pack on it, and took 800mg of Ibuprofen to reduce inflammation. By the time the ice was ready to come off (20 minutes later) I felt fine again.

So that's basically where I am at physically. I still have more healing to do, but I can do a lot at this point. I pretty much just listen to my body. Take the Ibuprofen occasionally and ice occasionally if I feel like I need it. I also make sure to wash it in the morning and at night as well as apply the Aquaphor to all the incision lines and irritated areas. Oh I did have one noteworthy thing that happened yesterday, I was washing the penis and it seemed like I had some dead skin on the side of each so I took one of those puff sponges and gently cleaned the sides of the penis to exfoliate and A LOT of dead skin came off. And then the penis was all raw on both sides. I think it's a matter of I probably wasn't washing it well enough because the area is sensitive so I'm still pretty careful with it all, plus the stitches above the testicles rub on the side of my penis and irritate it. So ya, that was gross, and concerning, but when I really took a look at it, it seemed fine. I had a very similar experience after my chest surgery, there was an area that was particularly sensitive so I never really scrubbed it and then like a month after surgery I finally did and there was tons of dead skin and it was gross. So I'm thinking this is the same deal. It burns ever so slightly when I first get in the shower now, but there was no blood at all and it looks fine, just kind of pink and raw, so I'm just keeping it clean and continuing to apply the Aquaphor (which is a healing ointment similar to Vaseline recommended by my surgeon). I think it should be fine but if at any point it gets worse I'll contact Medalie.

And just as a comment, my mons resection a.k.a. pubic lift (the cosmetic lift done to move the genital area to be more upfront on the body), the only time I even notice it is if I'm wearing pants that rub on the area a lot. It makes the area really sensitive and irritated. The actual incision is still almost entirely covered with steri strips so I don't have a good idea of what it looks like. I do know that it is almost 7 inches long but it is where my pubic hair is so it isn't something that will be visible until I'm naked. Also, there is an inch on one side where the steri strip has fallen off and in that inch most of it has a ton of glue so I can't see the scar but there is this tiny tiny little section without glue or steri strip and the scar line looks SUPER thin! So if the rest of the scar turns out that thin I think it's going to look fantastic. I have used silicone scar strips on other areas of my body to reduce the appearance of scars and they actually sell 7 in long ones for surgical scars so once all of the steri strips and glue is off I'm going to get the scar strips. For those who've never heard of them, you have to wear them on your scar for 18-24 hours a day, everyday, for a recommend 3 months but trust me, they work! Even if you have an old rough looking scar, try the silicone scar strips for 3 months and I bet you'll see a huge difference. They are awesome. With how awesome Dr. Medalie did in the formation of this pubic lift incision, combined with the fact that I'll be using the silicone scar strips, I have a feeling my scar is going to heal quite nicely!

Speaking of scars, the scar forming on the underside of the penis also looks pretty good, I mean at this point it's kind of an indent where there is still some undissolved stitches and still a good amount of swelling so it's really hard to say but it looks like once all the swelling and stitches are gone it will be nice. And the scar on the front of each testicle is healing fantastically well. Almost all of the stitches are gone from the testicles and you can hardly notice the scar at only 3 weeks post op. I definitely think in time those are also going to fade to nothing. I personally tend to scar pretty badly on most parts of my body, but I've always heard the genital area tends to be an area that scars very well on most people.

Emotional Healing

Now let's talk about the emotional aspect of healing over the last week. I was going a little stir crazy for a while there. I hardly left the house from Saturday until Thursday. I know I went out to like Best Buy once with a friend and grabbed a bite to eat here and there but for the most part it was a lot of sitting and laying around the house being lazy. I am normally a VERY active guy and really under estimated how tired frustrating it was going to be to heal. I bounced back ridiculously fast after chest surgery, I guess I was expecting to have a similar experience. I think during this last week I was definitely starting to experience some post-op depression. I really just didn't want to do anything because it was starting to get so frustrating to me that whenever I try to do stuff it would start to make me sore or uncomfortable or just plain tired. The week before that I had a lot of moments where I was really scared and paranoid that I wasn't healing properly (which Dr. Medalie always confirmed that I was doing fine) because I am a worrier by nature. lol But it was really tough at times, I cried sometimes because I was worrying so much. Thank God by the time I hit the 2 week mark everything was looking good enough that I didn't feel like I had to worry so much, but that's around the the time when the frustration of healing started to happen. I started feeling tired and wiped out emotionally not just physically. It takes a lot out of you to worry the way I do. lol And then I got in this funk from Saturday to Thursday when I just didn't want to do anything except lie in bed.

By the time Thursday rolled around I was going crazy. Luckily, Thursday I had a therapist appointment scheduled and I had no one to drive me to it so I drove for the first time. In hindsight I probably could have driven much sooner but I was so sluggish and didn't want to do anything so I didn't bother trying. But anyways, I went to the therapist and talked to her. She told me to get out there and make plans with people! So that's what I did. I posted a facebook status basically telling everyone that I'm able to drive again and I'm feeling well enough to go out or have people visit but that I just can't do anything that involves a ton of walking or sitting in an uncomfortable chair for a long period of time. And a lot of people contacted me asking to hang so Thurs until today, Tuesday, I've been doing LOTS of stuff! Hanging out with lots of friends. Some have come over and visited and we just sit outside in the gazebo talking and laughing. I've gone to friends houses to watch movies, play video games, hang out and go out for dinner. I also went to the picnic of my transgender support group which was super cool and definitely something I needed to lift my spirits. Oh and I went out and got a new facial piercing. lol I had been considering it for a long time and I figured it'd get my mind off of healing. So I got my septum done!

During my low period I was having lots of negative thoughts, like "what did I do to deserve this surgery?" and "what have I done for my community?" I talked about those feelings with my therapist, some friends, and a mentor I reconnected with. Everybody said the same thing, I've done a lot just by putting my story out there. By doing the fundraising page, by keeping this blog, and by giving resources to people who come to me with questions. I felt better talking about it and I really think it was just negative thoughts because I was feeling the lows of healing but it still inspired me. I want to do more for my community I just had no idea how I could go about doing that. And the universe must have been looking out for me, because that night when the negative feelings were at their worse, I received an e-mail from the Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition (MTPC) stating that they would soon be starting a training program called the Community Advocates program which would train people on how to become a transgender advocate in their community. Basically, they teach you how to run workshops to facilities, schools, workplaces, etc. on how to be trans-friendly or more accommodating, as well as supplying these advocates with whatever other skills and tools they will need to improve the atmosphere for transgender people in their local community. Well I applied, I thought it sounded perfect! I've been wanting to volunteer my time to help the trans community. I have a psychology degree, and have years doing different social services work and volunteering with a variety of different populations as well as living the trans experience (that's got to count for something right?). They accepted me. Maybe they accept everyone. lol But I felt really special and happy that they accepted my application and allowed me into the program. It's going to begin in October and I'm really excited to be a part of this. My mother always tells me she believes I have so much potential and should be helping other trans people. My mentor always encouraged the same thing. I've always wanted to and I think this program is going to show me how.

So overall, yes, I had a bit of a rough patch, but now I feel like I have my 'mojo' back. Even though I'm not 100% physically able to do the things I want to do just yet, instead of laying in bed all day being all mopey, I'm going out with friends and doing fun things that I can handle. Oddly enough, I think when I started to do more stuff, it feels like my body took a big turn for the better int he physical healing department. As soon as I started moving around, I started feeling way better physically. I guess I thought laying in bed and resting a lot would help me heal faster, and I'm sure resting to an extent does help, but moving around more and just being out and about doing little things has made a tremendous difference. Also, I think the Community Advocate program thing really gave me hope for the future and just served to remind me, I'm capable, I'm smart, I have a ton of potential, and I rather than sit around sulking about not having done enough for my community I'm going to be able to do something that I can feel good about. I used to do a lot of volunteer work in college but after college I stopped and you know how it is, life happens, you get busy with this or that and say you want to do something but never get around to it. I'm excited to get back on the horse and I think it'll be especially awesome that I'll be doing the volunteer work specifically to help transgender people.

I don't want this blog to turn into a diary, but I felt it was important to share the things that have been going on in my head. I want to share the lows as well as the highs, because going into this I really underestimated the lows! So if you want my advice, don't let yourself fall into a post-op depression. Make plans to keep doing stuff you can handle doing, even if it just means having coffee with a friend. Don't give yourself too much time to just sit there and worry or lay there babying yourself and sulking. My go to pick me up for when I'm starting to feel down is to go for a long run but obviously I can't do that so I had to find other ways to make me feel happy. Keep that in mind if you're as active a guy as I am.

Anyways, right now, I'm feeling great and looking great, so I can't complain! :-]

13 Days Post-Op: Healing over the last few days

Hey Everyone,
Just checking in. Healing is going very well. Since I've last updated swelling has continued to come down everyday. On about 10 days post-op I finally started to feel like I could stand up straight, which makes walking much easier. For those who haven't read, I was experiencing quite a bit of tightness in my pubic region due to the pubic lift incision. I'll explain more about that in a post I intend to do about the pubic lift (aka mons resection) which by the way I am very happy with so far. On the subject of walking, slowly I'm able to have my legs a little closer together which is also making walking easier.

To summarize, at this point getting in and out of bed is no problem at all and has been quite easy all ready for at least a few days, and walking is also pretty easy. I still look kind of funny walking, but at this point it isn't painful, though if I do a lot of walking then toward the end of the day I do usually experience some slight aching in the testicle area.

Sitting is still the thing that sucks. lol There's no other way to put it. Granted, it has got a lot easier to sit up but to do it for long periods of time is tough. Last Tuesday (8 days post-op), I went to my local Transgender Support Group and brought a fluffy pillow to sit on and sat for about 2 hours. Then we stood outside talking for a while. Then some of us decided to go get milkshakes so we did that and sat on stools at Johnny Rockets because that's all that was open. That was really tough. And at the time walking was still pretty hard so by the end of it I was extremely tired.

Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday (9-11days post-op) I decided to go check out the LGBT films from the Providence Film Festival going on. Again I brought a big pillow and each night I sat for about 2-3 hours. It was very uncomfortable. I wouldn't say painful, just very uncomfortable. Lots of adjusting was in order. It mostly hurts my butt more than anything because of the way I have to sit so that I'm not sitting on the testicles. So at the end of every night my butt was pretty sore, yes. This weekend (12-13 days post-op) I just felt like I needed to relax, although today I'm kind of bored so my friend is picking me up to hang at her house in a little while.

I have one area that seems to be healing much slower than the rest. The area under the penis where it meets the body and is right against the top of the testicles. I'm assuming it's healing slower because it doesn't get as much air as the rest of it and it's hard to really keep that area dry. But it does seem to be getting better everyday. The doctor told me to wash the whole surgical site with antibacterial soap twice a day, keep applying the bacitracin ointment, and just give it time to heal.

Oh another thing that's been going on with healing, I am pretty much a hypochondriac. lol So then I have surgery and it becomes way worse. I'm constantly worrying if everything is healing okay. I have called my surgeons office and e-mailed him pictures with new crazy things I'm worried about multiple times. And him and his office always get back to me promptly and always telling me I'm doing just fine and not to worry. I really just can't wait until all of the incisions are fully healed so I can stop worrying about them. I just really care about my body, especially this new penis, and I want to make sure everything is healthy. But thank God for a understanding surgeon who keeps assuring me everything looks like it's healing fine. I think that's important that our line of communication is open and he responds quickly because it can be a scary thing to have surgery far away from home. Then to be healing at home so far from your surgeon, it's nice that him and his office are great.

Everything still looks fantastic. I'm still very happy with how everything is going so far. Probably my chief complain at the moment is the weird sensations I have around the pubic lift incision line. Above the line there are spots where the sensation is dulled and that feels weird; below the incision line, basically where my pubic hair grows above my penis, is super sensitive. Therefore, when I'm home, I spend a lot of time naked with a laptop tray over my penis and a blanket over the laptop tray so that nothing touches the area. The weird sensations definitely get better each day. Some days are worse than others. The doctor said this is normal and to just give everything time to settle down. I wasn't too concerned about it. I had similar experiences on the skin of my chest after chest surgery and now the sensation on my chest is very normal all over.

Well that's basically where I'm at now. I'll be sure to update in a few days about healing. I would also soon like to write the following posts: "Why I Chose My Surgeon" and "All About My Pubic Lift" so stay tuned for those.

****Edited: Last night, I went to go watch a meteor shower at a local beach with a friend. And for the first time, I had a moment where I was standing and I didn't notice the testicles. lol Like before this point, it has always felt like I've had two bowling balls between my legs. For the first time, yesterday I didn't even notice them. Kind of like getting a new facial piercing (for those of you who have every had one), you can feel it there very apparent for a while but eventually it doesn't even phase you. It's just nice with the testicles because I was starting on some level to feel like it was never going to feel normal to stand/walk again. lol But obviously it will, it will just take some getting used to. And before I know it, I wont even notice them there unless I think about them.

Feelings Post-Op (emotionally)

Feelings! Sorry I wanted to write this nicely so I was waiting for at least most of the fog to clear from anesthesia and post-op pain medicine etc. But I'm finally writing my "feelings" blog post!

Okay, for one, I'm happy. That's an understatement. lol I mean I still have a long way to go with healing but right now, considering I'm only 9 days post-op I look fantastic and pain is pretty much gone at this point it's more just sometimes uncomfortable and I get very tired really easy because my body is still healing. I can't really touch it all that much at this point, you know other then cleaning it which needs to be done very thorough but also very gentle. There's no man-handling it yet obviously but just it's just great. lol The little bit of touching I can do, and looking in the mirror, it's wonderful. Let me sort of explain from the start what it was like after surgery up until this point.

I woke up out of surgery, so out of it it's not even funny. Shortly after waking up in the recovery room, they showed me my penis. I was definitely glad it was there and everything. It looked nice, but I was really high and couldn't see the balls because everything was very swollen and I couldn't bend forward at all. So as you might have read in my surgery experience post, I think the first thing I said was "Are the balls in there?" lmao And the nurse confirmed that "Yes, there are two testicle implants." lol I left soon after and my friends took me to my hotel room. I got a better look at things in the full length mirror. Granted, everything was a mess, swollen like crazy, bruising, stitches, bleeding all over, and I was really nervous because I'm scared of blood and have a weak stomach for all that kind of stuff when it's on my own body. lol But I looked in the mirror and even though it was messy, I was very impressed with the general shape of things. Didn't take much time to look at it though, because I was very out of it still and needed rest. So it was more of an acknowledgment that, okay, everything seems to be in place, great, I am going to put this gauze back on and not think about all of this blood. lol

Day 1, once I was a full 24 hours post-op, that was it. By that point almost everything had stopped bleeding so it was game on! I still could barely bend forward so I grabbed the digital camera and took a bunch of pictures of things from various angles so that I could really catch a glimpse of things. Now that is when I was really impressed with things! I was like heck ya! lol Again it was still really swollen but I couldn't believe how good it all ready looked. It was kind of shocking. It was a surreal moment. I remember just thinking over and over, "Oh my god, I have a dick!" It was like I needed someone to pinch me because it was hard to believe this was finally real.

 I'm honestly, slightly scared saying this stuff because I don't want to jinx anything so ::knock on wood:: since I still have a lot of healing left to do. Things will change over time, but at this point, man, I just feel so lucky to have results looking this good and so early on. I took some pictures farther away from me, that included more of my whole body, and it was just so amazing because I really have a totally physically male body. My chest is beautiful. My body is beautiful. My penis is beautiful. As beautiful as a hairy man-body and a penis can be, that is. But in my eyes, it's so beautiful. It's unbelievable really. I had many moments so in disbelief and so proud of how amazing I look. Every so often while using the bathroom I caught glimpses of myself in the mirror and was so pleasantly surprised every time.

So then the Doctors orders were to start washing the area with warm soapy water once a day after I was 24 hours post-op. My friend had to help me, and by help I mean I stood in the shower scared of the water touching it and clutching onto the safety railing, while she did all the cleaning. lol But this showering and drying up experience was my first time parading around without the jockstrap on (or any other clothes for that matter). And I remember taking a step and feeling the slight vibration of my penis bounce just a little bit! haha Again I was pleasantly surprised. It was a new experience that shocked me but at the same time made me so happy. It was a really cool feeling to finally have genitals being so exposed and free outside of my body! lol

And after she washed my penis and I dried off, I sponge bathed the rest of my body (I couldn't get my drain tube wet so couldn't take a real shower for 4 days). And what I'm about to say might be to much info but I promised I would tell all, so here it goes. I was sponge bathing my butt and looking back into the mirror while I was doing it. And I saw my balls hanging down under my butt! haha again I was surprised but so happy because it was a very different view from that angle back when I was pre-op. I love how masculine the view is now. lol

So that first cleaning experience was really amazing. Seeing my body from all sorts of different angles. It was like an exploration. lol Like I was finally discovering my body. And I can't even put into words how happy it made me feel.

I guess I was so surprised because it was all just so new. A trans friend recently said we have in our mind how we want our body to be, but we're so used to not having it for so long, when it finally happens, it's just so hard to believe its true.

I think it was also such a shock because I went into it with low expectations. I knew the risks that I was taking aesthetically. Not all lower surgeries turn out the same. Everyone's body is different. You just have to to find a surgeon who seems to work well with people of your body type, and who uses a technique that you feel comfortable having done on your body. Then you take a big huge chance and hope for the best. I took that chance. So far, I'm thrilled. I had a lot of concerns going in. Scared of bad positioning of the penis (either too low on the body or too hidden by scrotal skin), or scared of it being poorly shaped, scared of the balls being too high up, or scared of it still looking like I have a vagina. lol No seriously, I think that was my biggest fear. I was scared I was going to wake up, look at it, and it was still going to look like a vagina.... But it doesn't. Not at all. I feel like once the stitches are out and I can actually stand up and walk normally (lol) that I could stand naked in a men's dressing room and while my penis is very small, I don't think anyone would have any question of whether or not I have a penis. As I said many times pre-op, I'm totally okay with people thinking I have a small penis. I'm not okay with people thinking I have a vagina. I don't have to worry about that anymore. I have this awesome beautiful cute little package and I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Like I can finally breathe! Like I can finally walk naked and stand in the mirror and be proud of what I see. It's a wonderful, wonderful feeling. I have the overwhelming feeling that my small penis and I are going to do just fine in this world. haha I still haven't ruled out phalloplasty somewhere down the line, but for now, I feel a million times better than I did before. I finally feel comfortable.

One last experience on the topic of feelings that I want to share. Now mind you, that first 5 days I was way too scared to touch anything down there. There was literally a time when I was taking off the jockstrap so Lauren could put my antibiotic ointment on and my hand accidentally brushed up against the penis. I screamed "Oh my god! I just touched it. Is it okay?" lol I had penis-paranoia. I was so scared to hurt it. lol So Lauren basically took care of it for me, putting the ointment on 3 times a day and rinsing it with hot soapy water. The only time I touched it was after I urinated I would dab the area gently with a baby wipe. There was this one brave moment, a few days post-op, where I gently touched the head of my penis to test sensation. There is excellent sensation, by the way! lol (So add that to the list of things I'm happy about.) But otherwise I did very little touching. So Saturday morning at 5 days post-op when I took my first real shower, after the drain had been removed, I was instructed to really wash my penis. And it was kind of amazing. It was my first time really touching it all of it, skin on skin, without gloves or baby wipes. Just my wet soapy hands on my junk. lol And it was really cool to feel it all. To hold it (very gently!) But it was just another one of those moments where I was ecstatic!

So I think that's enough about me explicitly describing how I've discovered myself since surgery. lol I'm going to let myself heal up for a month or so and give you an update on how I'm feeling about everything. I can't wait to take this thing for a test run. I know it works because another lovely thing that happened in that shower..... so I'm over there very gently washing it, touching it nicely.
Penis: COMMENCING ERECTION.
Me: NOOOOO1
lol it only got semi-hard before the pain set in and it stopped. So it was fine. And hey, it was nice to know that function works. I'm eager to see how hard it gets and what not. But I'm definitely going to let everything fully heal before I go down that street. lol

By the way, day 9 healing today, everything seems to be going well. I haven't taken any pain meds today except for Motrin so yay! And I'm going to a LGBT film festival tonight which I'm excited about. Totally unrelated, but just wanted everyone to know that, yes, I'm very capable of doing things. I just get tired very quickly, oh and I still walk like a cowboy. lol Though I'm still not driving but I'm in no rush to. I'm sure I could if I really needed to, now that I'm off of the pain medicine.

Anyways, thanks for reading. I hope you found it helpful or amusing or whatever feeling you were hoping it would make you feel. lol I'll write again soon!

Healing Experience 1 week post-op! (Post op days 7 and 8)

This will be a quick post just to say that now passed the one week mark things are really feeling a lot better. Aching is to a minimum. It's really only the testicles that ache. Ice takes the pain away for the most part. I'm still taking pain medicine here and there sporadically when I need it. But mostly I'm taking the ibuprofen 800mgs and those really seem to help reduce swelling. I started taking them Friday night and since the swelling took a drastic decrease which is nice. Makes everything much more comfortable. I can walk, I have been walking since day 1, it's just I walk very slowly and with my legs far apart like a cowboy. lol I also hunch forward a little bit because it still feels tight on the pubic lift incision. It doesn't hurt to stand but I just feel it pulling and it's uncomfortable plus I want it to heal well so I don't want to stretch the incisions so early on in the healing. But yes, I walk around doing what I need to do. The last two days (post-op days 7 & 8) I pretty much just been getting lots and lots of rest. Playing video games, watching netflix and Shark Week, eating, taking naps. Man, this is the life! Haha.

Later on today I'm going to my transgender support group. My friend is going to drive me. I'm still not driving yet since I'm still periodically taking the pain medicine. Plus, even if I was off all the meds, sitting straight up with legs together is the one position that is really uncomfortable for me, so I don't feel like I'm ready yet to drive.

Anyways, ya, healing is going well. I did send some pictures to my surgeon of the underside of my penis and a section of the testicles.
On the underside of my penis, the stitches look a little rough. It's probably fine but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Before surgery he had mentioned that sometimes where he sews together the skin on the penis there can be a lack of blood flow causing some "tissue breakdown." He said it's no big deal. He'll just prescribe medicine and have me wrap it in bandages and keep it clean. He said it's never been a big problem for any of his patients, it just can be annoying and extends healing time. So just in case, today I snapped a picture of that area for him to check out to let me know if everything is healing properly or not. I have a feeling he's going to say it's fine and to give it more time. lol But I did ask him to let me know what to look for as far as "tissue breakdown" is concerned so I can at least know what to keep my eyes peeled for.
The section of my testicle that I was concerned with, it's no where near where he made the incision. It just looks and feels raw. It's not bleeding or anything but it seems weird so I figured since I was e-mailing him I might as well take pics of it and send it too.

I'm a wicked hypochondriac by the way!!! lol That first few days in the hotel was rough for my friends. They had to many times convince me that my penis was doing just fine. But now I'm home and so far from my surgeon and constantly worrying about it even though it really feels like it's healing quite well. So I'm doing my best to just breathe and let everything heal without worrying about what things are going to look like and how things are healing etc. I don't have a fever; I don't have infections. Everything looks spectacular so far, considering I'm still swollen and stitched up. So I really have nothing to complain about and probably don't have anything to worry about either. :-]