Hey Everybody! Sorry it's taken me a while to update. I've been very busy with work and a few other things lately. I want to give a general update as well as talk about my pubic lift and a possible revision I'm seeking for one testicle that's a bit lower then the other. I'm going to separate this into two different blog posts just so the people who only want to read the pubic lift stuff wont have to do any scrolling around.
Update -
So at this point, life is totally back to normal. I can do everything that I did pre-op. I can run for miles without anything bothering me down there. I can ride the exercise bike at the gym. I can lift. I can sleep on my stomach. etc. etc. I would say by the 7 week mark I was back to almost doing everything I just listed except the exercise bike I waited till recently to really give a try.
As for sensation, this is awkward to talk about so openly, but I said I would tell it ALL and in the hopes of being honest to other trans men out there I'm going to say it. Yes, it all works! lol Surprisingly, a lot of trans guys ask me if I have "any" sensation. I've actually never heard of any specific guy who has had metoidioplasty lose sensation. Not that it's impossible (a surgeon could always screw up) but the way guys ask me, you'd think it happens all the time. On the contrary, I've talked to hundreds of men who have had this surgery and not a single one has lost sensation, so obviously it does NOT happen often. (Those men may be getting confused with phalloplasty. But even with phallo, you CAN certainly have sensation in your phalloplasty, it just depends on what donor site you chose.) It just reminds me that there are a lot of ridiculous myths about FTM lower surgery but, that's why I'm writing this blog.
Back to my penis, it has lovely sensation! There is definitely no problem in that department. It is just as sensitive as it was pre-op maybe even more so now. Being intimate with it is certainly different than it was before because now it can be interacted with differently, but that is certainly a good thing! It definitely has increased my pleasure. I've heard of some guys saying that it was very different masturbating after meta surgery and that they had to "re-learn" how to masturbate because of the reconfiguration of things. But I haven't really had that problem. I requested "as much foreskin as possible" to my surgeon lol And for me masturbating mostly consists of moving the foreskin around so maybe that's why it's easy but honestly I find it even easier to masturbate now then I did pre-op. I have also received oral sex post-op and currently blow jobs are the reason why I exist. lol No but seriously, even though my penis is tiny, the reconfiguration of my genitals just makes oral sex feel so much better and look way sexier. I love it and it's wonderful.
Overall things are looking great and I'm really happy! (I am however considering a very minor revision on one of my testicles which I will explain in my next post.) I did lose some thickness in my penis as all the swelling came down. Haha, but I expected that. And even though it's less thick now, it's nice not having the swelling because now it's softer and moves around a lot more freely. I'll be honest, it's small. lol Like tiny, but I think it's a beautiful tiny penis. I feel very comfortable. My self esteem about my body has gone through the roof. I look in the mirror and what I see is beautiful. It's like having this little package makes any other parts of my body that I was self conscious about before not really matter. I thought the novelty would wear off by now, but I'm still constantly checking myself out in the mirror. lol I may still seek out phalloplasty down the road (when it hopefully becomes covered by insurance) because of size, but my meta surgery has extremely reduced body dysphoria for me. There are other aspects of dysphoria that probably never fully 100% go away, like the fact that I'm short and have small features. Or the fact that I'm trans. It's my history. I can't change it. I am who I am and I need to accept it, which for the most part I do, but every once in a while I start to feel "less than" a cis-male because I'm trans. Sometimes it makes me feel "different" being trans. I knew going into lower surgery that this was not going to cure those feelings totally. I knew that there were limitations to the surgery; I knew no matter how many surgeries I had my genitals would not be 100% like a cis-male penis and it took some time but I'm okay with that. I've accepted that. And having this surgery, just makes me feel so much more comfortable. It makes me feel a lot less "different." Most importantly, when I'm alone and look in the mirror I think I look beautiful and masculine and I'm so happy. What a terrible feeling it was to feel uncomfortable with my body, even when I was alone. Now, just having this little package, a penis and balls, it's just perfect.
Now, don't get me wrong and I can't stress it enough, this is a tiny penis. lol I don't want trans men to think I strayed them into believing metidioplasty created a huge penis. (Hell, it's not even an average size penis.) It's not huge in the physical sense, but it made a huge impact on how I feel and relate to my body. So if you're a trans man, sitting there, believing in your heart that the only way you'll feel complete is to have an averaged size (or larger) penis, then I'd recommend you look into phalloplasty. Again, I haven't wrote off phalloplasty for some far off time in the future where I'm either rich or U.S. health insurance covers it lol, but for right now, this meta surgery was attainable and exactly what I needed to feel right in my skin. If you'd like to read more about my decision making process on getting metoidioplasty instead of phalloplasty I'd suggest you check out my old blog post: Why This Procedure?
So that's about it for my general update. My next post which I might even do later on today is going to be about the pubic lift (aka mons resection) and my possible minor revision on one of my testicles.
Any questions, feel free to leave a comment.
Take care.
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Monday, September 9, 2013
6 Weeks Post-Op (Infection, back to work, back to exercising)
Hey All,
I'm now 6 weeks post-op and I felt it was high time I posted an update because it's been about 2.5 weeks since my last update. To bring you up to speed, everything is good overall but I did have a little infection for a little while there. Which is a big part of why I didn't update. If you read my last post I was all ready really frustrated with healing and then I got the infection and was REALLY fed up with healing. lol So I didn't want to make a post of me just complaining about everything. I was confident I would get through it eventually but boy I was feeling negative about everything so I figured I'd write about it once I had a hold on things. And then I went back to work a week ago and got kind of busy with that. lol But now that you're up to date let me elaborate on my infection and how I'm healing so far.
The Infection
In hindsight it wasn't really that bad. In the moment it was scary but I never had a fever. I never felt physically ill. Basically what happened, there seems to be an increase in swelling in the penis and the penis felt particularly sensitive all of a sudden. At times the sensitivity was to the point of being painful. I wasn't too concerned and attributed it to not taking the Ibuprofen anymore. But then, puss started coming out. lol Yes, very gross. It wasn't any crazy colors or anything it was just normal, albeit gross, puss. So I went to the ER. They gave me oral antibiotics as well as an antibiotic ointment to apply to the area and told me to follow up with my primary doctor in about 5 days. They took a culture of the area and said the results would be sent to my doctor. I was extremely nervous about going to the ER with my post-op penis because I have had less than adequate care in other healthcare facilities and this was going to involve me telling them my story and showing them my genitals. BUT, everyone was totally respectful and cool about everything. I'm pretty sure the doctor had never seen an FTM post-op penis, because he couldn't even pronounce the word metoidioplasty, which is okay because I'm not sure I'm pronouncing it right half the time either. lol But he wasn't weird about it in the slightest and was very matter-of-fact about it. He said, I'm going to treat you with medicine that handles all the common types of post-op infections, so you're going to be fine. Slapped me on the ass and told me to have a nice day. Okay that last part isn't true.
And he was right! Well at least so far so good. Knock on wood. I went on the antibiotics and instantly things looked better. Although at around day 4 I had a little bit more puss come out. When I followed up with my doctor on day 5, she said the little bit of puss might have just been some that worked it's way out but she extended my antibiotics from a 7 day schedule to a 10 day schedule just to be safe. I've been off the antibiotics for 6 days now and there doesn't seem to be a problem. I'm still keeping a watchful eye on it though.
I discussed my infection with Dr. Medalie (my surgeon) via e-mail and he said he "didn't believe it was surgery related because of the area infected." In other words he didn't believe it was a typical staph infection because it wasn't in an area right around any incision lines. So I asked my primary care doctor, "how could I get a random infection in that area at a time when I'm washing it with antibacterial soap twice a day? It's probably the cleanest it's ever been!" And she elaborated that while it might not have been a "staph infection directly related from surgery" having a surgery lowers your immune system plus I had a lot of inflammation in the area which probably made me more susceptible. So basically they don't believe it was a full blown staph infection from surgery but indirectly this surgery may have caused it. Which is good, because from what I hear staph infections are terrible. I asked my primary doctor if my penis was going to fall off. She was dying laughing, but reassured me that "No, it would not." And that's all that really mattered to me at that point. lol
So things are looking good considering I'm 6 weeks post-op. There are a few very minor cosmetic things that I'm hoping will change over time. It's still really early on in the healing process to know how things are really going to look. As the swelling goes down things start to take shape. Things are going to keep changing over the course of the next maybe 6 months to a year. So at this point I'm not stressing about any asymmetries. Worse case scenario in a year I can go back and have him do some very minor touch up work. But it's still very possible that in a few months things will look even better. I know with my chest surgery, right after, it looks pretty jacked up, but by the 1 year mark it looked tremendously different. 'Gotta give the body time to heal.
Back to Work!!
Speaking of healing, back to work and functioning pretty damn close to normal at this point. I have never been so happy to get back to work. In hindsight, I might have been babying myself more then necessary. But it doesn't matter. I'm out and about now running around at work chasing after kids and what not. lol And I feel great to be doing stuff again. I'm not the kind of guy that can be happy just sitting around watching TV all day.
I did purchase a soft cup and wear it at work. It serves a couple purposes. As annoying and sweaty as it can sometimes be, it allows me to wear nicer pants and not have to worry about the friction against my healing genitals. Up until I started working I almost exclusively wore gym shorts and I really didn't want to go to work in gym shorts. lol Also, I really do sometimes have to run after kids in my job, and the soft cup keeps my thighs from knocking everything around, so that's nice. The other thing about working with kids is they are all at a height where it is very easy to be knocked in the genitals, so the cup also offers protection when a 100 kids are running around the playground like maniacs. I feel safe with the soft cup on. Not sure how long I'll wear it.
I also have a couple hard cups but at this point they're way too uncomfortable to wear. I am currently working on integrating a student into the typical 1st grade class, but next week I'll be back to my normal class room where the kids are a little more rough, shall we say. Some hit or headbutt and these are little guys but they are right at that level where I'd be seeing stars if they made the right contact. lol So when I get back to working in my normal class room I might wear the hard cup. We'll see. Depends if by next week I'm at a place where I can stand to wear it for 7 straight hours. If not, then I'll wear the soft one, and be very mindful of my surroundings at all times. I'm not too worried because at this point I don't think it's going to cause any serious damage. My incision lines are pretty well healed and I only have a few stubborn stitches that haven't dissolved yet. I just think it will hurt like hell because it's still really sensitive down there. Maybe it always will be. Maybe this is just part of having external genitals. The world becomes such a scary place when you have external genitals. lol I at least want to wait until all my stitches are gone and then I'll consider losing the cup.
Exercise
Oh yes, and back to exercising. Still not doing any lower body or cardio stuff because I am paranoid I'll hurt the testicles. The body basically forms a sort of capsule around the testicle implants over the first few months and until that happens I don't wanna do anything to make it more to a bad position. One is all ready lower then I'd like it to be. It doesn't look unnatural because I know a lot of cis-men don't have testicles that are perfectly side by side but I don't want it to go any lower so I'm trying not to aggravate it.
I've been doing lots of weight lifting for my upper body. Getting the heart pumping makes me feel so good. I think that was a big part of why I've been feeling so blah. Exercise is really important to my emotional stability. When I don't exercise regularly I get depressed easily so I am very happy to be back at it.
Well that is enough for now. At this point the changes in it are slower and a lot less drastic than the first couple weeks so I'll try to update every couple of weeks with how things are going. I still want to talk in depth about the pubic lift (aka mons resection) but I want to wait until I'm a little more healed so that I can really give my opinion of how it has or has not helped the placement of things. At this point, I want to say, yes it has helped drastically! But I don't know if in a few months when all the swelling is down I might feel differently so before I really elaborate on that I'm going to let my body do some more healing. I will also talk more about aesthetics and function etc. when my body is a little more healed. For now, I'm doing all the things I need to do. I feel almost back to normal at this point.
And I'm still extremely happy with my result. :-]
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
3 Weeks Post-Op Update (physical and emotional healing)
Hey Everybody,
I am now officially 3 weeks post-op, and it's been about a week since I last posted so I'm just going to do an update about how things have been over the last week.
Physical Healing
I've definitely seen some big improvements in healing this week. A lot of the stitches have dissolved. Everything is looking better and better. I went a whole week without contacting Dr. Medalie worrying about healing! lol So that definitely tells me I'm doing a lot better. I did finally hit him up Sunday. I took pictures of the underside of the penis right where it meets the body and asked if it was looking okay. That place seems to be healing the slowest. Maybe because it's under the penis and the top of the testicles are right against it so I imagine it doesn't get very much air. But the Dr. said it looks like it's doing just fine, it's "just some scabby healing" and to continue to wash it with warm soapy water twice a day and apply Aquaphor.
Walking is becoming much easier. I mean it's still a little tight at times. Especially if I do a lot of walking or a lot of sitting, but for the most part, it's a heck of a lot easier to walk than it was before. Sitting straight up is still the hardest thing, but that has also greatly improved. Today I went to dinner with friends and if you include the car ride there and back I must have been sitting for 4-5 hours with very little standing so that's pretty good! By the time I was on the car ride home though my genital area wasn't happy. lol It didn't hurt, per se, it just felt very uncomfortable and swollen. First thing I did when I came home, shorts came off, put an ice pack on it, and took 800mg of Ibuprofen to reduce inflammation. By the time the ice was ready to come off (20 minutes later) I felt fine again.
So that's basically where I am at physically. I still have more healing to do, but I can do a lot at this point. I pretty much just listen to my body. Take the Ibuprofen occasionally and ice occasionally if I feel like I need it. I also make sure to wash it in the morning and at night as well as apply the Aquaphor to all the incision lines and irritated areas. Oh I did have one noteworthy thing that happened yesterday, I was washing the penis and it seemed like I had some dead skin on the side of each so I took one of those puff sponges and gently cleaned the sides of the penis to exfoliate and A LOT of dead skin came off. And then the penis was all raw on both sides. I think it's a matter of I probably wasn't washing it well enough because the area is sensitive so I'm still pretty careful with it all, plus the stitches above the testicles rub on the side of my penis and irritate it. So ya, that was gross, and concerning, but when I really took a look at it, it seemed fine. I had a very similar experience after my chest surgery, there was an area that was particularly sensitive so I never really scrubbed it and then like a month after surgery I finally did and there was tons of dead skin and it was gross. So I'm thinking this is the same deal. It burns ever so slightly when I first get in the shower now, but there was no blood at all and it looks fine, just kind of pink and raw, so I'm just keeping it clean and continuing to apply the Aquaphor (which is a healing ointment similar to Vaseline recommended by my surgeon). I think it should be fine but if at any point it gets worse I'll contact Medalie.
And just as a comment, my mons resection a.k.a. pubic lift (the cosmetic lift done to move the genital area to be more upfront on the body), the only time I even notice it is if I'm wearing pants that rub on the area a lot. It makes the area really sensitive and irritated. The actual incision is still almost entirely covered with steri strips so I don't have a good idea of what it looks like. I do know that it is almost 7 inches long but it is where my pubic hair is so it isn't something that will be visible until I'm naked. Also, there is an inch on one side where the steri strip has fallen off and in that inch most of it has a ton of glue so I can't see the scar but there is this tiny tiny little section without glue or steri strip and the scar line looks SUPER thin! So if the rest of the scar turns out that thin I think it's going to look fantastic. I have used silicone scar strips on other areas of my body to reduce the appearance of scars and they actually sell 7 in long ones for surgical scars so once all of the steri strips and glue is off I'm going to get the scar strips. For those who've never heard of them, you have to wear them on your scar for 18-24 hours a day, everyday, for a recommend 3 months but trust me, they work! Even if you have an old rough looking scar, try the silicone scar strips for 3 months and I bet you'll see a huge difference. They are awesome. With how awesome Dr. Medalie did in the formation of this pubic lift incision, combined with the fact that I'll be using the silicone scar strips, I have a feeling my scar is going to heal quite nicely!
Speaking of scars, the scar forming on the underside of the penis also looks pretty good, I mean at this point it's kind of an indent where there is still some undissolved stitches and still a good amount of swelling so it's really hard to say but it looks like once all the swelling and stitches are gone it will be nice. And the scar on the front of each testicle is healing fantastically well. Almost all of the stitches are gone from the testicles and you can hardly notice the scar at only 3 weeks post op. I definitely think in time those are also going to fade to nothing. I personally tend to scar pretty badly on most parts of my body, but I've always heard the genital area tends to be an area that scars very well on most people.
Emotional Healing
Now let's talk about the emotional aspect of healing over the last week. I was going a little stir crazy for a while there. I hardly left the house from Saturday until Thursday. I know I went out to like Best Buy once with a friend and grabbed a bite to eat here and there but for the most part it was a lot of sitting and laying around the house being lazy. I am normally a VERY active guy and really under estimated how tired frustrating it was going to be to heal. I bounced back ridiculously fast after chest surgery, I guess I was expecting to have a similar experience. I think during this last week I was definitely starting to experience some post-op depression. I really just didn't want to do anything because it was starting to get so frustrating to me that whenever I try to do stuff it would start to make me sore or uncomfortable or just plain tired. The week before that I had a lot of moments where I was really scared and paranoid that I wasn't healing properly (which Dr. Medalie always confirmed that I was doing fine) because I am a worrier by nature. lol But it was really tough at times, I cried sometimes because I was worrying so much. Thank God by the time I hit the 2 week mark everything was looking good enough that I didn't feel like I had to worry so much, but that's around the the time when the frustration of healing started to happen. I started feeling tired and wiped out emotionally not just physically. It takes a lot out of you to worry the way I do. lol And then I got in this funk from Saturday to Thursday when I just didn't want to do anything except lie in bed.
By the time Thursday rolled around I was going crazy. Luckily, Thursday I had a therapist appointment scheduled and I had no one to drive me to it so I drove for the first time. In hindsight I probably could have driven much sooner but I was so sluggish and didn't want to do anything so I didn't bother trying. But anyways, I went to the therapist and talked to her. She told me to get out there and make plans with people! So that's what I did. I posted a facebook status basically telling everyone that I'm able to drive again and I'm feeling well enough to go out or have people visit but that I just can't do anything that involves a ton of walking or sitting in an uncomfortable chair for a long period of time. And a lot of people contacted me asking to hang so Thurs until today, Tuesday, I've been doing LOTS of stuff! Hanging out with lots of friends. Some have come over and visited and we just sit outside in the gazebo talking and laughing. I've gone to friends houses to watch movies, play video games, hang out and go out for dinner. I also went to the picnic of my transgender support group which was super cool and definitely something I needed to lift my spirits. Oh and I went out and got a new facial piercing. lol I had been considering it for a long time and I figured it'd get my mind off of healing. So I got my septum done!
During my low period I was having lots of negative thoughts, like "what did I do to deserve this surgery?" and "what have I done for my community?" I talked about those feelings with my therapist, some friends, and a mentor I reconnected with. Everybody said the same thing, I've done a lot just by putting my story out there. By doing the fundraising page, by keeping this blog, and by giving resources to people who come to me with questions. I felt better talking about it and I really think it was just negative thoughts because I was feeling the lows of healing but it still inspired me. I want to do more for my community I just had no idea how I could go about doing that. And the universe must have been looking out for me, because that night when the negative feelings were at their worse, I received an e-mail from the Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition (MTPC) stating that they would soon be starting a training program called the Community Advocates program which would train people on how to become a transgender advocate in their community. Basically, they teach you how to run workshops to facilities, schools, workplaces, etc. on how to be trans-friendly or more accommodating, as well as supplying these advocates with whatever other skills and tools they will need to improve the atmosphere for transgender people in their local community. Well I applied, I thought it sounded perfect! I've been wanting to volunteer my time to help the trans community. I have a psychology degree, and have years doing different social services work and volunteering with a variety of different populations as well as living the trans experience (that's got to count for something right?). They accepted me. Maybe they accept everyone. lol But I felt really special and happy that they accepted my application and allowed me into the program. It's going to begin in October and I'm really excited to be a part of this. My mother always tells me she believes I have so much potential and should be helping other trans people. My mentor always encouraged the same thing. I've always wanted to and I think this program is going to show me how.
So overall, yes, I had a bit of a rough patch, but now I feel like I have my 'mojo' back. Even though I'm not 100% physically able to do the things I want to do just yet, instead of laying in bed all day being all mopey, I'm going out with friends and doing fun things that I can handle. Oddly enough, I think when I started to do more stuff, it feels like my body took a big turn for the better int he physical healing department. As soon as I started moving around, I started feeling way better physically. I guess I thought laying in bed and resting a lot would help me heal faster, and I'm sure resting to an extent does help, but moving around more and just being out and about doing little things has made a tremendous difference. Also, I think the Community Advocate program thing really gave me hope for the future and just served to remind me, I'm capable, I'm smart, I have a ton of potential, and I rather than sit around sulking about not having done enough for my community I'm going to be able to do something that I can feel good about. I used to do a lot of volunteer work in college but after college I stopped and you know how it is, life happens, you get busy with this or that and say you want to do something but never get around to it. I'm excited to get back on the horse and I think it'll be especially awesome that I'll be doing the volunteer work specifically to help transgender people.
I don't want this blog to turn into a diary, but I felt it was important to share the things that have been going on in my head. I want to share the lows as well as the highs, because going into this I really underestimated the lows! So if you want my advice, don't let yourself fall into a post-op depression. Make plans to keep doing stuff you can handle doing, even if it just means having coffee with a friend. Don't give yourself too much time to just sit there and worry or lay there babying yourself and sulking. My go to pick me up for when I'm starting to feel down is to go for a long run but obviously I can't do that so I had to find other ways to make me feel happy. Keep that in mind if you're as active a guy as I am.
Anyways, right now, I'm feeling great and looking great, so I can't complain! :-]
I am now officially 3 weeks post-op, and it's been about a week since I last posted so I'm just going to do an update about how things have been over the last week.
Physical Healing
I've definitely seen some big improvements in healing this week. A lot of the stitches have dissolved. Everything is looking better and better. I went a whole week without contacting Dr. Medalie worrying about healing! lol So that definitely tells me I'm doing a lot better. I did finally hit him up Sunday. I took pictures of the underside of the penis right where it meets the body and asked if it was looking okay. That place seems to be healing the slowest. Maybe because it's under the penis and the top of the testicles are right against it so I imagine it doesn't get very much air. But the Dr. said it looks like it's doing just fine, it's "just some scabby healing" and to continue to wash it with warm soapy water twice a day and apply Aquaphor.
Walking is becoming much easier. I mean it's still a little tight at times. Especially if I do a lot of walking or a lot of sitting, but for the most part, it's a heck of a lot easier to walk than it was before. Sitting straight up is still the hardest thing, but that has also greatly improved. Today I went to dinner with friends and if you include the car ride there and back I must have been sitting for 4-5 hours with very little standing so that's pretty good! By the time I was on the car ride home though my genital area wasn't happy. lol It didn't hurt, per se, it just felt very uncomfortable and swollen. First thing I did when I came home, shorts came off, put an ice pack on it, and took 800mg of Ibuprofen to reduce inflammation. By the time the ice was ready to come off (20 minutes later) I felt fine again.
So that's basically where I am at physically. I still have more healing to do, but I can do a lot at this point. I pretty much just listen to my body. Take the Ibuprofen occasionally and ice occasionally if I feel like I need it. I also make sure to wash it in the morning and at night as well as apply the Aquaphor to all the incision lines and irritated areas. Oh I did have one noteworthy thing that happened yesterday, I was washing the penis and it seemed like I had some dead skin on the side of each so I took one of those puff sponges and gently cleaned the sides of the penis to exfoliate and A LOT of dead skin came off. And then the penis was all raw on both sides. I think it's a matter of I probably wasn't washing it well enough because the area is sensitive so I'm still pretty careful with it all, plus the stitches above the testicles rub on the side of my penis and irritate it. So ya, that was gross, and concerning, but when I really took a look at it, it seemed fine. I had a very similar experience after my chest surgery, there was an area that was particularly sensitive so I never really scrubbed it and then like a month after surgery I finally did and there was tons of dead skin and it was gross. So I'm thinking this is the same deal. It burns ever so slightly when I first get in the shower now, but there was no blood at all and it looks fine, just kind of pink and raw, so I'm just keeping it clean and continuing to apply the Aquaphor (which is a healing ointment similar to Vaseline recommended by my surgeon). I think it should be fine but if at any point it gets worse I'll contact Medalie.
And just as a comment, my mons resection a.k.a. pubic lift (the cosmetic lift done to move the genital area to be more upfront on the body), the only time I even notice it is if I'm wearing pants that rub on the area a lot. It makes the area really sensitive and irritated. The actual incision is still almost entirely covered with steri strips so I don't have a good idea of what it looks like. I do know that it is almost 7 inches long but it is where my pubic hair is so it isn't something that will be visible until I'm naked. Also, there is an inch on one side where the steri strip has fallen off and in that inch most of it has a ton of glue so I can't see the scar but there is this tiny tiny little section without glue or steri strip and the scar line looks SUPER thin! So if the rest of the scar turns out that thin I think it's going to look fantastic. I have used silicone scar strips on other areas of my body to reduce the appearance of scars and they actually sell 7 in long ones for surgical scars so once all of the steri strips and glue is off I'm going to get the scar strips. For those who've never heard of them, you have to wear them on your scar for 18-24 hours a day, everyday, for a recommend 3 months but trust me, they work! Even if you have an old rough looking scar, try the silicone scar strips for 3 months and I bet you'll see a huge difference. They are awesome. With how awesome Dr. Medalie did in the formation of this pubic lift incision, combined with the fact that I'll be using the silicone scar strips, I have a feeling my scar is going to heal quite nicely!
Speaking of scars, the scar forming on the underside of the penis also looks pretty good, I mean at this point it's kind of an indent where there is still some undissolved stitches and still a good amount of swelling so it's really hard to say but it looks like once all the swelling and stitches are gone it will be nice. And the scar on the front of each testicle is healing fantastically well. Almost all of the stitches are gone from the testicles and you can hardly notice the scar at only 3 weeks post op. I definitely think in time those are also going to fade to nothing. I personally tend to scar pretty badly on most parts of my body, but I've always heard the genital area tends to be an area that scars very well on most people.
Emotional Healing
Now let's talk about the emotional aspect of healing over the last week. I was going a little stir crazy for a while there. I hardly left the house from Saturday until Thursday. I know I went out to like Best Buy once with a friend and grabbed a bite to eat here and there but for the most part it was a lot of sitting and laying around the house being lazy. I am normally a VERY active guy and really under estimated how tired frustrating it was going to be to heal. I bounced back ridiculously fast after chest surgery, I guess I was expecting to have a similar experience. I think during this last week I was definitely starting to experience some post-op depression. I really just didn't want to do anything because it was starting to get so frustrating to me that whenever I try to do stuff it would start to make me sore or uncomfortable or just plain tired. The week before that I had a lot of moments where I was really scared and paranoid that I wasn't healing properly (which Dr. Medalie always confirmed that I was doing fine) because I am a worrier by nature. lol But it was really tough at times, I cried sometimes because I was worrying so much. Thank God by the time I hit the 2 week mark everything was looking good enough that I didn't feel like I had to worry so much, but that's around the the time when the frustration of healing started to happen. I started feeling tired and wiped out emotionally not just physically. It takes a lot out of you to worry the way I do. lol And then I got in this funk from Saturday to Thursday when I just didn't want to do anything except lie in bed.
By the time Thursday rolled around I was going crazy. Luckily, Thursday I had a therapist appointment scheduled and I had no one to drive me to it so I drove for the first time. In hindsight I probably could have driven much sooner but I was so sluggish and didn't want to do anything so I didn't bother trying. But anyways, I went to the therapist and talked to her. She told me to get out there and make plans with people! So that's what I did. I posted a facebook status basically telling everyone that I'm able to drive again and I'm feeling well enough to go out or have people visit but that I just can't do anything that involves a ton of walking or sitting in an uncomfortable chair for a long period of time. And a lot of people contacted me asking to hang so Thurs until today, Tuesday, I've been doing LOTS of stuff! Hanging out with lots of friends. Some have come over and visited and we just sit outside in the gazebo talking and laughing. I've gone to friends houses to watch movies, play video games, hang out and go out for dinner. I also went to the picnic of my transgender support group which was super cool and definitely something I needed to lift my spirits. Oh and I went out and got a new facial piercing. lol I had been considering it for a long time and I figured it'd get my mind off of healing. So I got my septum done!
During my low period I was having lots of negative thoughts, like "what did I do to deserve this surgery?" and "what have I done for my community?" I talked about those feelings with my therapist, some friends, and a mentor I reconnected with. Everybody said the same thing, I've done a lot just by putting my story out there. By doing the fundraising page, by keeping this blog, and by giving resources to people who come to me with questions. I felt better talking about it and I really think it was just negative thoughts because I was feeling the lows of healing but it still inspired me. I want to do more for my community I just had no idea how I could go about doing that. And the universe must have been looking out for me, because that night when the negative feelings were at their worse, I received an e-mail from the Massachusetts Transgender Political Coalition (MTPC) stating that they would soon be starting a training program called the Community Advocates program which would train people on how to become a transgender advocate in their community. Basically, they teach you how to run workshops to facilities, schools, workplaces, etc. on how to be trans-friendly or more accommodating, as well as supplying these advocates with whatever other skills and tools they will need to improve the atmosphere for transgender people in their local community. Well I applied, I thought it sounded perfect! I've been wanting to volunteer my time to help the trans community. I have a psychology degree, and have years doing different social services work and volunteering with a variety of different populations as well as living the trans experience (that's got to count for something right?). They accepted me. Maybe they accept everyone. lol But I felt really special and happy that they accepted my application and allowed me into the program. It's going to begin in October and I'm really excited to be a part of this. My mother always tells me she believes I have so much potential and should be helping other trans people. My mentor always encouraged the same thing. I've always wanted to and I think this program is going to show me how.
So overall, yes, I had a bit of a rough patch, but now I feel like I have my 'mojo' back. Even though I'm not 100% physically able to do the things I want to do just yet, instead of laying in bed all day being all mopey, I'm going out with friends and doing fun things that I can handle. Oddly enough, I think when I started to do more stuff, it feels like my body took a big turn for the better int he physical healing department. As soon as I started moving around, I started feeling way better physically. I guess I thought laying in bed and resting a lot would help me heal faster, and I'm sure resting to an extent does help, but moving around more and just being out and about doing little things has made a tremendous difference. Also, I think the Community Advocate program thing really gave me hope for the future and just served to remind me, I'm capable, I'm smart, I have a ton of potential, and I rather than sit around sulking about not having done enough for my community I'm going to be able to do something that I can feel good about. I used to do a lot of volunteer work in college but after college I stopped and you know how it is, life happens, you get busy with this or that and say you want to do something but never get around to it. I'm excited to get back on the horse and I think it'll be especially awesome that I'll be doing the volunteer work specifically to help transgender people.
I don't want this blog to turn into a diary, but I felt it was important to share the things that have been going on in my head. I want to share the lows as well as the highs, because going into this I really underestimated the lows! So if you want my advice, don't let yourself fall into a post-op depression. Make plans to keep doing stuff you can handle doing, even if it just means having coffee with a friend. Don't give yourself too much time to just sit there and worry or lay there babying yourself and sulking. My go to pick me up for when I'm starting to feel down is to go for a long run but obviously I can't do that so I had to find other ways to make me feel happy. Keep that in mind if you're as active a guy as I am.
Anyways, right now, I'm feeling great and looking great, so I can't complain! :-]
Sunday, August 11, 2013
13 Days Post-Op: Healing over the last few days
Hey Everyone,
Just checking in. Healing is going very well. Since I've last updated swelling has continued to come down everyday. On about 10 days post-op I finally started to feel like I could stand up straight, which makes walking much easier. For those who haven't read, I was experiencing quite a bit of tightness in my pubic region due to the pubic lift incision. I'll explain more about that in a post I intend to do about the pubic lift (aka mons resection) which by the way I am very happy with so far. On the subject of walking, slowly I'm able to have my legs a little closer together which is also making walking easier.
To summarize, at this point getting in and out of bed is no problem at all and has been quite easy all ready for at least a few days, and walking is also pretty easy. I still look kind of funny walking, but at this point it isn't painful, though if I do a lot of walking then toward the end of the day I do usually experience some slight aching in the testicle area.
Sitting is still the thing that sucks. lol There's no other way to put it. Granted, it has got a lot easier to sit up but to do it for long periods of time is tough. Last Tuesday (8 days post-op), I went to my local Transgender Support Group and brought a fluffy pillow to sit on and sat for about 2 hours. Then we stood outside talking for a while. Then some of us decided to go get milkshakes so we did that and sat on stools at Johnny Rockets because that's all that was open. That was really tough. And at the time walking was still pretty hard so by the end of it I was extremely tired.
Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday (9-11days post-op) I decided to go check out the LGBT films from the Providence Film Festival going on. Again I brought a big pillow and each night I sat for about 2-3 hours. It was very uncomfortable. I wouldn't say painful, just very uncomfortable. Lots of adjusting was in order. It mostly hurts my butt more than anything because of the way I have to sit so that I'm not sitting on the testicles. So at the end of every night my butt was pretty sore, yes. This weekend (12-13 days post-op) I just felt like I needed to relax, although today I'm kind of bored so my friend is picking me up to hang at her house in a little while.
I have one area that seems to be healing much slower than the rest. The area under the penis where it meets the body and is right against the top of the testicles. I'm assuming it's healing slower because it doesn't get as much air as the rest of it and it's hard to really keep that area dry. But it does seem to be getting better everyday. The doctor told me to wash the whole surgical site with antibacterial soap twice a day, keep applying the bacitracin ointment, and just give it time to heal.
Oh another thing that's been going on with healing, I am pretty much a hypochondriac. lol So then I have surgery and it becomes way worse. I'm constantly worrying if everything is healing okay. I have called my surgeons office and e-mailed him pictures with new crazy things I'm worried about multiple times. And him and his office always get back to me promptly and always telling me I'm doing just fine and not to worry. I really just can't wait until all of the incisions are fully healed so I can stop worrying about them. I just really care about my body, especially this new penis, and I want to make sure everything is healthy. But thank God for a understanding surgeon who keeps assuring me everything looks like it's healing fine. I think that's important that our line of communication is open and he responds quickly because it can be a scary thing to have surgery far away from home. Then to be healing at home so far from your surgeon, it's nice that him and his office are great.
Everything still looks fantastic. I'm still very happy with how everything is going so far. Probably my chief complain at the moment is the weird sensations I have around the pubic lift incision line. Above the line there are spots where the sensation is dulled and that feels weird; below the incision line, basically where my pubic hair grows above my penis, is super sensitive. Therefore, when I'm home, I spend a lot of time naked with a laptop tray over my penis and a blanket over the laptop tray so that nothing touches the area. The weird sensations definitely get better each day. Some days are worse than others. The doctor said this is normal and to just give everything time to settle down. I wasn't too concerned about it. I had similar experiences on the skin of my chest after chest surgery and now the sensation on my chest is very normal all over.
Well that's basically where I'm at now. I'll be sure to update in a few days about healing. I would also soon like to write the following posts: "Why I Chose My Surgeon" and "All About My Pubic Lift" so stay tuned for those.
****Edited: Last night, I went to go watch a meteor shower at a local beach with a friend. And for the first time, I had a moment where I was standing and I didn't notice the testicles. lol Like before this point, it has always felt like I've had two bowling balls between my legs. For the first time, yesterday I didn't even notice them. Kind of like getting a new facial piercing (for those of you who have every had one), you can feel it there very apparent for a while but eventually it doesn't even phase you. It's just nice with the testicles because I was starting on some level to feel like it was never going to feel normal to stand/walk again. lol But obviously it will, it will just take some getting used to. And before I know it, I wont even notice them there unless I think about them.
Just checking in. Healing is going very well. Since I've last updated swelling has continued to come down everyday. On about 10 days post-op I finally started to feel like I could stand up straight, which makes walking much easier. For those who haven't read, I was experiencing quite a bit of tightness in my pubic region due to the pubic lift incision. I'll explain more about that in a post I intend to do about the pubic lift (aka mons resection) which by the way I am very happy with so far. On the subject of walking, slowly I'm able to have my legs a little closer together which is also making walking easier.
To summarize, at this point getting in and out of bed is no problem at all and has been quite easy all ready for at least a few days, and walking is also pretty easy. I still look kind of funny walking, but at this point it isn't painful, though if I do a lot of walking then toward the end of the day I do usually experience some slight aching in the testicle area.
Sitting is still the thing that sucks. lol There's no other way to put it. Granted, it has got a lot easier to sit up but to do it for long periods of time is tough. Last Tuesday (8 days post-op), I went to my local Transgender Support Group and brought a fluffy pillow to sit on and sat for about 2 hours. Then we stood outside talking for a while. Then some of us decided to go get milkshakes so we did that and sat on stools at Johnny Rockets because that's all that was open. That was really tough. And at the time walking was still pretty hard so by the end of it I was extremely tired.
Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday (9-11days post-op) I decided to go check out the LGBT films from the Providence Film Festival going on. Again I brought a big pillow and each night I sat for about 2-3 hours. It was very uncomfortable. I wouldn't say painful, just very uncomfortable. Lots of adjusting was in order. It mostly hurts my butt more than anything because of the way I have to sit so that I'm not sitting on the testicles. So at the end of every night my butt was pretty sore, yes. This weekend (12-13 days post-op) I just felt like I needed to relax, although today I'm kind of bored so my friend is picking me up to hang at her house in a little while.
I have one area that seems to be healing much slower than the rest. The area under the penis where it meets the body and is right against the top of the testicles. I'm assuming it's healing slower because it doesn't get as much air as the rest of it and it's hard to really keep that area dry. But it does seem to be getting better everyday. The doctor told me to wash the whole surgical site with antibacterial soap twice a day, keep applying the bacitracin ointment, and just give it time to heal.
Oh another thing that's been going on with healing, I am pretty much a hypochondriac. lol So then I have surgery and it becomes way worse. I'm constantly worrying if everything is healing okay. I have called my surgeons office and e-mailed him pictures with new crazy things I'm worried about multiple times. And him and his office always get back to me promptly and always telling me I'm doing just fine and not to worry. I really just can't wait until all of the incisions are fully healed so I can stop worrying about them. I just really care about my body, especially this new penis, and I want to make sure everything is healthy. But thank God for a understanding surgeon who keeps assuring me everything looks like it's healing fine. I think that's important that our line of communication is open and he responds quickly because it can be a scary thing to have surgery far away from home. Then to be healing at home so far from your surgeon, it's nice that him and his office are great.
Everything still looks fantastic. I'm still very happy with how everything is going so far. Probably my chief complain at the moment is the weird sensations I have around the pubic lift incision line. Above the line there are spots where the sensation is dulled and that feels weird; below the incision line, basically where my pubic hair grows above my penis, is super sensitive. Therefore, when I'm home, I spend a lot of time naked with a laptop tray over my penis and a blanket over the laptop tray so that nothing touches the area. The weird sensations definitely get better each day. Some days are worse than others. The doctor said this is normal and to just give everything time to settle down. I wasn't too concerned about it. I had similar experiences on the skin of my chest after chest surgery and now the sensation on my chest is very normal all over.
Well that's basically where I'm at now. I'll be sure to update in a few days about healing. I would also soon like to write the following posts: "Why I Chose My Surgeon" and "All About My Pubic Lift" so stay tuned for those.
****Edited: Last night, I went to go watch a meteor shower at a local beach with a friend. And for the first time, I had a moment where I was standing and I didn't notice the testicles. lol Like before this point, it has always felt like I've had two bowling balls between my legs. For the first time, yesterday I didn't even notice them. Kind of like getting a new facial piercing (for those of you who have every had one), you can feel it there very apparent for a while but eventually it doesn't even phase you. It's just nice with the testicles because I was starting on some level to feel like it was never going to feel normal to stand/walk again. lol But obviously it will, it will just take some getting used to. And before I know it, I wont even notice them there unless I think about them.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Feelings Post-Op (emotionally)
Feelings! Sorry I wanted to write this nicely so I was waiting for at least most of the fog to clear from anesthesia and post-op pain medicine etc. But I'm finally writing my "feelings" blog post!
Okay, for one, I'm happy. That's an understatement. lol I mean I still have a long way to go with healing but right now, considering I'm only 9 days post-op I look fantastic and pain is pretty much gone at this point it's more just sometimes uncomfortable and I get very tired really easy because my body is still healing. I can't really touch it all that much at this point, you know other then cleaning it which needs to be done very thorough but also very gentle. There's no man-handling it yet obviously but just it's just great. lol The little bit of touching I can do, and looking in the mirror, it's wonderful. Let me sort of explain from the start what it was like after surgery up until this point.
I woke up out of surgery, so out of it it's not even funny. Shortly after waking up in the recovery room, they showed me my penis. I was definitely glad it was there and everything. It looked nice, but I was really high and couldn't see the balls because everything was very swollen and I couldn't bend forward at all. So as you might have read in my surgery experience post, I think the first thing I said was "Are the balls in there?" lmao And the nurse confirmed that "Yes, there are two testicle implants." lol I left soon after and my friends took me to my hotel room. I got a better look at things in the full length mirror. Granted, everything was a mess, swollen like crazy, bruising, stitches, bleeding all over, and I was really nervous because I'm scared of blood and have a weak stomach for all that kind of stuff when it's on my own body. lol But I looked in the mirror and even though it was messy, I was very impressed with the general shape of things. Didn't take much time to look at it though, because I was very out of it still and needed rest. So it was more of an acknowledgment that, okay, everything seems to be in place, great, I am going to put this gauze back on and not think about all of this blood. lol
Day 1, once I was a full 24 hours post-op, that was it. By that point almost everything had stopped bleeding so it was game on! I still could barely bend forward so I grabbed the digital camera and took a bunch of pictures of things from various angles so that I could really catch a glimpse of things. Now that is when I was really impressed with things! I was like heck ya! lol Again it was still really swollen but I couldn't believe how good it all ready looked. It was kind of shocking. It was a surreal moment. I remember just thinking over and over, "Oh my god, I have a dick!" It was like I needed someone to pinch me because it was hard to believe this was finally real.
I'm honestly, slightly scared saying this stuff because I don't want to jinx anything so ::knock on wood:: since I still have a lot of healing left to do. Things will change over time, but at this point, man, I just feel so lucky to have results looking this good and so early on. I took some pictures farther away from me, that included more of my whole body, and it was just so amazing because I really have a totally physically male body. My chest is beautiful. My body is beautiful. My penis is beautiful. As beautiful as a hairy man-body and a penis can be, that is. But in my eyes, it's so beautiful. It's unbelievable really. I had many moments so in disbelief and so proud of how amazing I look. Every so often while using the bathroom I caught glimpses of myself in the mirror and was so pleasantly surprised every time.
So then the Doctors orders were to start washing the area with warm soapy water once a day after I was 24 hours post-op. My friend had to help me, and by help I mean I stood in the shower scared of the water touching it and clutching onto the safety railing, while she did all the cleaning. lol But this showering and drying up experience was my first time parading around without the jockstrap on (or any other clothes for that matter). And I remember taking a step and feeling the slight vibration of my penis bounce just a little bit! haha Again I was pleasantly surprised. It was a new experience that shocked me but at the same time made me so happy. It was a really cool feeling to finally have genitals being so exposed and free outside of my body! lol
And after she washed my penis and I dried off, I sponge bathed the rest of my body (I couldn't get my drain tube wet so couldn't take a real shower for 4 days). And what I'm about to say might be to much info but I promised I would tell all, so here it goes. I was sponge bathing my butt and looking back into the mirror while I was doing it. And I saw my balls hanging down under my butt! haha again I was surprised but so happy because it was a very different view from that angle back when I was pre-op. I love how masculine the view is now. lol
So that first cleaning experience was really amazing. Seeing my body from all sorts of different angles. It was like an exploration. lol Like I was finally discovering my body. And I can't even put into words how happy it made me feel.
I guess I was so surprised because it was all just so new. A trans friend recently said we have in our mind how we want our body to be, but we're so used to not having it for so long, when it finally happens, it's just so hard to believe its true.
I think it was also such a shock because I went into it with low expectations. I knew the risks that I was taking aesthetically. Not all lower surgeries turn out the same. Everyone's body is different. You just have to to find a surgeon who seems to work well with people of your body type, and who uses a technique that you feel comfortable having done on your body. Then you take a big huge chance and hope for the best. I took that chance. So far, I'm thrilled. I had a lot of concerns going in. Scared of bad positioning of the penis (either too low on the body or too hidden by scrotal skin), or scared of it being poorly shaped, scared of the balls being too high up, or scared of it still looking like I have a vagina. lol No seriously, I think that was my biggest fear. I was scared I was going to wake up, look at it, and it was still going to look like a vagina.... But it doesn't. Not at all. I feel like once the stitches are out and I can actually stand up and walk normally (lol) that I could stand naked in a men's dressing room and while my penis is very small, I don't think anyone would have any question of whether or not I have a penis. As I said many times pre-op, I'm totally okay with people thinking I have a small penis. I'm not okay with people thinking I have a vagina. I don't have to worry about that anymore. I have this awesome beautiful cute little package and I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Like I can finally breathe! Like I can finally walk naked and stand in the mirror and be proud of what I see. It's a wonderful, wonderful feeling. I have the overwhelming feeling that my small penis and I are going to do just fine in this world. haha I still haven't ruled out phalloplasty somewhere down the line, but for now, I feel a million times better than I did before. I finally feel comfortable.
One last experience on the topic of feelings that I want to share. Now mind you, that first 5 days I was way too scared to touch anything down there. There was literally a time when I was taking off the jockstrap so Lauren could put my antibiotic ointment on and my hand accidentally brushed up against the penis. I screamed "Oh my god! I just touched it. Is it okay?" lol I had penis-paranoia. I was so scared to hurt it. lol So Lauren basically took care of it for me, putting the ointment on 3 times a day and rinsing it with hot soapy water. The only time I touched it was after I urinated I would dab the area gently with a baby wipe. There was this one brave moment, a few days post-op, where I gently touched the head of my penis to test sensation. There is excellent sensation, by the way! lol (So add that to the list of things I'm happy about.) But otherwise I did very little touching. So Saturday morning at 5 days post-op when I took my first real shower, after the drain had been removed, I was instructed to really wash my penis. And it was kind of amazing. It was my first time really touching it all of it, skin on skin, without gloves or baby wipes. Just my wet soapy hands on my junk. lol And it was really cool to feel it all. To hold it (very gently!) But it was just another one of those moments where I was ecstatic!
So I think that's enough about me explicitly describing how I've discovered myself since surgery. lol I'm going to let myself heal up for a month or so and give you an update on how I'm feeling about everything. I can't wait to take this thing for a test run. I know it works because another lovely thing that happened in that shower..... so I'm over there very gently washing it, touching it nicely.
Penis: COMMENCING ERECTION.
Me: NOOOOO1
lol it only got semi-hard before the pain set in and it stopped. So it was fine. And hey, it was nice to know that function works. I'm eager to see how hard it gets and what not. But I'm definitely going to let everything fully heal before I go down that street. lol
By the way, day 9 healing today, everything seems to be going well. I haven't taken any pain meds today except for Motrin so yay! And I'm going to a LGBT film festival tonight which I'm excited about. Totally unrelated, but just wanted everyone to know that, yes, I'm very capable of doing things. I just get tired very quickly, oh and I still walk like a cowboy. lol Though I'm still not driving but I'm in no rush to. I'm sure I could if I really needed to, now that I'm off of the pain medicine.
Anyways, thanks for reading. I hope you found it helpful or amusing or whatever feeling you were hoping it would make you feel. lol I'll write again soon!
Okay, for one, I'm happy. That's an understatement. lol I mean I still have a long way to go with healing but right now, considering I'm only 9 days post-op I look fantastic and pain is pretty much gone at this point it's more just sometimes uncomfortable and I get very tired really easy because my body is still healing. I can't really touch it all that much at this point, you know other then cleaning it which needs to be done very thorough but also very gentle. There's no man-handling it yet obviously but just it's just great. lol The little bit of touching I can do, and looking in the mirror, it's wonderful. Let me sort of explain from the start what it was like after surgery up until this point.
I woke up out of surgery, so out of it it's not even funny. Shortly after waking up in the recovery room, they showed me my penis. I was definitely glad it was there and everything. It looked nice, but I was really high and couldn't see the balls because everything was very swollen and I couldn't bend forward at all. So as you might have read in my surgery experience post, I think the first thing I said was "Are the balls in there?" lmao And the nurse confirmed that "Yes, there are two testicle implants." lol I left soon after and my friends took me to my hotel room. I got a better look at things in the full length mirror. Granted, everything was a mess, swollen like crazy, bruising, stitches, bleeding all over, and I was really nervous because I'm scared of blood and have a weak stomach for all that kind of stuff when it's on my own body. lol But I looked in the mirror and even though it was messy, I was very impressed with the general shape of things. Didn't take much time to look at it though, because I was very out of it still and needed rest. So it was more of an acknowledgment that, okay, everything seems to be in place, great, I am going to put this gauze back on and not think about all of this blood. lol
Day 1, once I was a full 24 hours post-op, that was it. By that point almost everything had stopped bleeding so it was game on! I still could barely bend forward so I grabbed the digital camera and took a bunch of pictures of things from various angles so that I could really catch a glimpse of things. Now that is when I was really impressed with things! I was like heck ya! lol Again it was still really swollen but I couldn't believe how good it all ready looked. It was kind of shocking. It was a surreal moment. I remember just thinking over and over, "Oh my god, I have a dick!" It was like I needed someone to pinch me because it was hard to believe this was finally real.
I'm honestly, slightly scared saying this stuff because I don't want to jinx anything so ::knock on wood:: since I still have a lot of healing left to do. Things will change over time, but at this point, man, I just feel so lucky to have results looking this good and so early on. I took some pictures farther away from me, that included more of my whole body, and it was just so amazing because I really have a totally physically male body. My chest is beautiful. My body is beautiful. My penis is beautiful. As beautiful as a hairy man-body and a penis can be, that is. But in my eyes, it's so beautiful. It's unbelievable really. I had many moments so in disbelief and so proud of how amazing I look. Every so often while using the bathroom I caught glimpses of myself in the mirror and was so pleasantly surprised every time.
So then the Doctors orders were to start washing the area with warm soapy water once a day after I was 24 hours post-op. My friend had to help me, and by help I mean I stood in the shower scared of the water touching it and clutching onto the safety railing, while she did all the cleaning. lol But this showering and drying up experience was my first time parading around without the jockstrap on (or any other clothes for that matter). And I remember taking a step and feeling the slight vibration of my penis bounce just a little bit! haha Again I was pleasantly surprised. It was a new experience that shocked me but at the same time made me so happy. It was a really cool feeling to finally have genitals being so exposed and free outside of my body! lol
And after she washed my penis and I dried off, I sponge bathed the rest of my body (I couldn't get my drain tube wet so couldn't take a real shower for 4 days). And what I'm about to say might be to much info but I promised I would tell all, so here it goes. I was sponge bathing my butt and looking back into the mirror while I was doing it. And I saw my balls hanging down under my butt! haha again I was surprised but so happy because it was a very different view from that angle back when I was pre-op. I love how masculine the view is now. lol
So that first cleaning experience was really amazing. Seeing my body from all sorts of different angles. It was like an exploration. lol Like I was finally discovering my body. And I can't even put into words how happy it made me feel.
I guess I was so surprised because it was all just so new. A trans friend recently said we have in our mind how we want our body to be, but we're so used to not having it for so long, when it finally happens, it's just so hard to believe its true.
I think it was also such a shock because I went into it with low expectations. I knew the risks that I was taking aesthetically. Not all lower surgeries turn out the same. Everyone's body is different. You just have to to find a surgeon who seems to work well with people of your body type, and who uses a technique that you feel comfortable having done on your body. Then you take a big huge chance and hope for the best. I took that chance. So far, I'm thrilled. I had a lot of concerns going in. Scared of bad positioning of the penis (either too low on the body or too hidden by scrotal skin), or scared of it being poorly shaped, scared of the balls being too high up, or scared of it still looking like I have a vagina. lol No seriously, I think that was my biggest fear. I was scared I was going to wake up, look at it, and it was still going to look like a vagina.... But it doesn't. Not at all. I feel like once the stitches are out and I can actually stand up and walk normally (lol) that I could stand naked in a men's dressing room and while my penis is very small, I don't think anyone would have any question of whether or not I have a penis. As I said many times pre-op, I'm totally okay with people thinking I have a small penis. I'm not okay with people thinking I have a vagina. I don't have to worry about that anymore. I have this awesome beautiful cute little package and I feel like this huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. Like I can finally breathe! Like I can finally walk naked and stand in the mirror and be proud of what I see. It's a wonderful, wonderful feeling. I have the overwhelming feeling that my small penis and I are going to do just fine in this world. haha I still haven't ruled out phalloplasty somewhere down the line, but for now, I feel a million times better than I did before. I finally feel comfortable.
One last experience on the topic of feelings that I want to share. Now mind you, that first 5 days I was way too scared to touch anything down there. There was literally a time when I was taking off the jockstrap so Lauren could put my antibiotic ointment on and my hand accidentally brushed up against the penis. I screamed "Oh my god! I just touched it. Is it okay?" lol I had penis-paranoia. I was so scared to hurt it. lol So Lauren basically took care of it for me, putting the ointment on 3 times a day and rinsing it with hot soapy water. The only time I touched it was after I urinated I would dab the area gently with a baby wipe. There was this one brave moment, a few days post-op, where I gently touched the head of my penis to test sensation. There is excellent sensation, by the way! lol (So add that to the list of things I'm happy about.) But otherwise I did very little touching. So Saturday morning at 5 days post-op when I took my first real shower, after the drain had been removed, I was instructed to really wash my penis. And it was kind of amazing. It was my first time really touching it all of it, skin on skin, without gloves or baby wipes. Just my wet soapy hands on my junk. lol And it was really cool to feel it all. To hold it (very gently!) But it was just another one of those moments where I was ecstatic!
So I think that's enough about me explicitly describing how I've discovered myself since surgery. lol I'm going to let myself heal up for a month or so and give you an update on how I'm feeling about everything. I can't wait to take this thing for a test run. I know it works because another lovely thing that happened in that shower..... so I'm over there very gently washing it, touching it nicely.
Penis: COMMENCING ERECTION.
Me: NOOOOO1
lol it only got semi-hard before the pain set in and it stopped. So it was fine. And hey, it was nice to know that function works. I'm eager to see how hard it gets and what not. But I'm definitely going to let everything fully heal before I go down that street. lol
By the way, day 9 healing today, everything seems to be going well. I haven't taken any pain meds today except for Motrin so yay! And I'm going to a LGBT film festival tonight which I'm excited about. Totally unrelated, but just wanted everyone to know that, yes, I'm very capable of doing things. I just get tired very quickly, oh and I still walk like a cowboy. lol Though I'm still not driving but I'm in no rush to. I'm sure I could if I really needed to, now that I'm off of the pain medicine.
Anyways, thanks for reading. I hope you found it helpful or amusing or whatever feeling you were hoping it would make you feel. lol I'll write again soon!
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Healing Experience 1 week post-op! (Post op days 7 and 8)
This will be a quick post just to say that now passed the one week mark things are really feeling a lot better. Aching is to a minimum. It's really only the testicles that ache. Ice takes the pain away for the most part. I'm still taking pain medicine here and there sporadically when I need it. But mostly I'm taking the ibuprofen 800mgs and those really seem to help reduce swelling. I started taking them Friday night and since the swelling took a drastic decrease which is nice. Makes everything much more comfortable. I can walk, I have been walking since day 1, it's just I walk very slowly and with my legs far apart like a cowboy. lol I also hunch forward a little bit because it still feels tight on the pubic lift incision. It doesn't hurt to stand but I just feel it pulling and it's uncomfortable plus I want it to heal well so I don't want to stretch the incisions so early on in the healing. But yes, I walk around doing what I need to do. The last two days (post-op days 7 & 8) I pretty much just been getting lots and lots of rest. Playing video games, watching netflix and Shark Week, eating, taking naps. Man, this is the life! Haha.
Later on today I'm going to my transgender support group. My friend is going to drive me. I'm still not driving yet since I'm still periodically taking the pain medicine. Plus, even if I was off all the meds, sitting straight up with legs together is the one position that is really uncomfortable for me, so I don't feel like I'm ready yet to drive.
Anyways, ya, healing is going well. I did send some pictures to my surgeon of the underside of my penis and a section of the testicles.
On the underside of my penis, the stitches look a little rough. It's probably fine but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Before surgery he had mentioned that sometimes where he sews together the skin on the penis there can be a lack of blood flow causing some "tissue breakdown." He said it's no big deal. He'll just prescribe medicine and have me wrap it in bandages and keep it clean. He said it's never been a big problem for any of his patients, it just can be annoying and extends healing time. So just in case, today I snapped a picture of that area for him to check out to let me know if everything is healing properly or not. I have a feeling he's going to say it's fine and to give it more time. lol But I did ask him to let me know what to look for as far as "tissue breakdown" is concerned so I can at least know what to keep my eyes peeled for.
The section of my testicle that I was concerned with, it's no where near where he made the incision. It just looks and feels raw. It's not bleeding or anything but it seems weird so I figured since I was e-mailing him I might as well take pics of it and send it too.
I'm a wicked hypochondriac by the way!!! lol That first few days in the hotel was rough for my friends. They had to many times convince me that my penis was doing just fine. But now I'm home and so far from my surgeon and constantly worrying about it even though it really feels like it's healing quite well. So I'm doing my best to just breathe and let everything heal without worrying about what things are going to look like and how things are healing etc. I don't have a fever; I don't have infections. Everything looks spectacular so far, considering I'm still swollen and stitched up. So I really have nothing to complain about and probably don't have anything to worry about either. :-]
Later on today I'm going to my transgender support group. My friend is going to drive me. I'm still not driving yet since I'm still periodically taking the pain medicine. Plus, even if I was off all the meds, sitting straight up with legs together is the one position that is really uncomfortable for me, so I don't feel like I'm ready yet to drive.
Anyways, ya, healing is going well. I did send some pictures to my surgeon of the underside of my penis and a section of the testicles.
On the underside of my penis, the stitches look a little rough. It's probably fine but I'd rather be safe than sorry. Before surgery he had mentioned that sometimes where he sews together the skin on the penis there can be a lack of blood flow causing some "tissue breakdown." He said it's no big deal. He'll just prescribe medicine and have me wrap it in bandages and keep it clean. He said it's never been a big problem for any of his patients, it just can be annoying and extends healing time. So just in case, today I snapped a picture of that area for him to check out to let me know if everything is healing properly or not. I have a feeling he's going to say it's fine and to give it more time. lol But I did ask him to let me know what to look for as far as "tissue breakdown" is concerned so I can at least know what to keep my eyes peeled for.
The section of my testicle that I was concerned with, it's no where near where he made the incision. It just looks and feels raw. It's not bleeding or anything but it seems weird so I figured since I was e-mailing him I might as well take pics of it and send it too.
I'm a wicked hypochondriac by the way!!! lol That first few days in the hotel was rough for my friends. They had to many times convince me that my penis was doing just fine. But now I'm home and so far from my surgeon and constantly worrying about it even though it really feels like it's healing quite well. So I'm doing my best to just breathe and let everything heal without worrying about what things are going to look like and how things are healing etc. I don't have a fever; I don't have infections. Everything looks spectacular so far, considering I'm still swollen and stitched up. So I really have nothing to complain about and probably don't have anything to worry about either. :-]
Sunday, August 4, 2013
Healing Experiences (Day 4, 5, & 6 post-op)
Hey All,
I know I said I would update first about my feelings but I decided to do this post on healing days 4,5, & 6 just because I ended up going longer then expected without updating. So I definitely wanted to update about healing experience first but don't worry because a feelings post will be up next. I might even do it tonight after I take my
Healing is going extremely well! ::knock on wood:: lol But I can't complain so far. Everyday things look a little better and feel a little better. I have had achy painful moments but nothing that the meds and ice packs can't take away. Currently at day 6, I've drastically cut back on the percocets and mostly am only taking Motrin (ibuprofen) and icing frequently. So I'd say I'm doing pretty good. Pain seems to be pretty connected to how much I do. If I walk around too much, my balls are quick to let me know that I'm walking to much because they start to ache. The biggest thing I notice is I tire easily, which isn't so surprising since I did just have surgery 6 days ago. But ya, if getting tired easily is my chief complaint I'd say I'm doing fantastic. But anyways let me give you more details of how the last three days have gone and exactly what has happened.
Day 4 post-op (August 2, 2013) - I had my first (and last) post-op appointment. Dr. Medalie wasn't going to be in the office this day and I was scheduled to see him Monday but he told me before surgery he believed it was likely I'd be ready to have the drain out and go home by Friday so he wanted me see his nurse practitioner Andrea. So I saw her Friday morning. Very nice lady by the way! Super nice, let me talk her ear off about my penis, as I love to do these days. She checked it out, said that it is looking great. Since hardly anything was coming out of my drain tube anymore she took it out. She just snipped the stitch and took out the drain. It didn't hurt at all! I was nervous for her to take it out but literally she was like "Are you ready?" and then was like "Okay, it's out." I didn't even feel it. I was in disbelief. lol With the drain out I had the okay to start showering in a real shower and be able to get my whole body wet, yay! She told me that now that I can shower I needed to start washing my penis a little more thoroughly. The biggest thing she stressed was that I was the creases around the base of my penis. There's lots of swelling all around the penis so there's some areas that weren't really being washed by the warm soapy water rinses. She suggest in the shower I take the antibacterial liquid dial and get my hands all soapy and just gently wash the area. And rather then pushing the penis to the side to get around the edges of the base she suggesting pushing gently down on the surrounding tissues of the penis to allow me to clean the base of the penis. I was very scared about washing my penis fully (it turned out fine, you'll read about it on day 5 lol). she also gave me a script for 800 mg ibuprofen every 8 hours and she suggested I cut back on the percocet to just when I feel like I need a pill between the doses of ibuprofen. She said the ibuprofen should help with swelling too which it really has. So drain came out, everything looked good, and I was free to leave Cleveland whenever.
But we stayed one night because after my doctors appointment we went to the Cleveland park zoo!!! I highly recommend it. lol We got me a wheelchair. I put a big comfy pillow on the wheel chair and this wheel chair was way more comfortable then the one they had at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. My friend pushed me around and we had a good time. We stayed for almost 3 hours but then the zoo was closing. Then we grabbed food at CiCi's Pizza. Finally, I went to the hotel and I was exhausted!!!
I was so exhausted that I didn't even take the shower that I had been dying for. lol My friends packed up all my stuff and the plan was for us to leave in the morning.
Day 5 post-op (August 3, 2013) - Woke up bright and early and finally took that much needed shower. Washing my penis was really not bad. There was nothing to be scared of. Gently washing with warm soapy hands in the shower was fine and actually made everything feel a lot better. That hot shower on my pubic lift incision was helpful too. I feel liek it just relaxed all of my tense muscles. It was beyond refreshing.Also this was the first time I really got to touch my penis and testicles. I mean I you know would dab it with a wet wipe after peeing and my hand would sometimes graze it while adjusting my jockstrap after using the bathroom. But this was the first time really touching it. I had to touch it very gently obviously. But it was awesome, feeling this little package in my hand. It was just another one of those "whoa, this is real moments" where I was overflowing with joy. And I just felt so good after that shower. While I showered my friends packed the car. No heavy lifting for a couple weeks for me. Then I went to the front desk and told them I was checking out a couple nights early. I wanted to see if I could get any money back. I had been receiving a special rate for staying a full week so I wasn't sure if they were going to be able to refund me anything but I figured I'd give it a try. And they were able to refund me one night back! I had to pay for the full 7 days since I recieved the special weekly rate of $56 a night but they were able to refund me the 8th night so they credited the $56 plus taxes back onto my card. Woot woot!
Then we embarked on your journey back to Massachusetts. Only one of my friends with me has a license so Lauren had to drive the whole way home while Kendra kept her company. I on the other hand made myself comfortable in the back seat. I had 3 big comfy pillows. I laid down on my back with one pillow under my butt and two behind my neck and head. I kept the middle seat belt on loosely around my stomach just in case. I left my legs either bent, criss-crossed, or occasionally put them up one on the back of the back seat and the other on top of the door's window edge. and I was actually very very comfy! I was nervous it was going to be a terrible ride but it was actually great. I had a cooler on the side of me with ice packs and drinks. Plus I had some snacks so that I could eat every time I needed to take my pain meds and anti-biotics. I also had my phone and my friend's Nintendo 3DS with a bunch of games. So I kept myself entertained and also took a lot of naps. It was very nice in the car actually. I found it very soothing.
We did decide to stop at Niagara Fall while we were in upstate New York. We just made a short stop, checked out the fall (They were beautiful!), took a bunch of pictures, hit up the gift shop, and went home. They were all out of wheelchairs for rent at the visitors center so I had to do some walking. A little more then I would have liked to because the closest parking lot was full so I would say we had to walk roughly 2-3 blocks to get to the visitors center and then the falls viewing area wasn't too far from there. But it was still tough. It was hot out and I was walking slow. I was uncomfortable. My testicles started to ache and my body started to feel weak. As I mentioned, I get tired very fast since surgery. So once we got back to the car it was time to take more pain meds, I put an ice pack on my genitals, and then once it was time to take the ice off I knocked out for a while. My friends said I slept well, I was snoring loudly. I believe it because I'm not kidding when I say I was really comfortable. lol But anyways, Niagara was totally worth the stop.
We finally got home about 13 hours later. My parents greeted us outside. My friends and parents unloaded the car. I said my good byes to my friends and came inside. Another friend came over and spent the night. She helped me out. When I was applying my last antibiotic ointment treatment for the night she pointed out that a spot was a lot darker than the rest. And I, who am ridiculously paranoid became really scared so I took pictures and e-mailed them to Dr. Medalie. I didn't think it was life threatening so I decided to let the poor guy sleep and I'd call the office in the morning. Then I got comfortable in my bed and relaxed for a few hours watching TV and talking to my friend. Although the hotel was super nice, it's always much better being home. :-]
***Edited: I can't believe I forgot to mention my Mom decorated my room with "It's a boy" decorations and balloons! lol So I had that when I walked into my room. I got a kick out of it! lol
Day 6 post-op (August 4, 2013) - Woke up early. I was not in any pain which is good because I'd gone a long time without any of the percocets. Currently I'm doing like my nurse said, I take the Ibuprofen 800 mg every 8 hours and I don't take the percocets until I start getting pain bad enough that ice for 20 minutes can't fix.
After about an hour of being awake I gave Dr. Medalie's office a call. It's a Sunday so the office is closed but I spoke with the on-call doctor. Described what was going on with my penis, the spot that seemed really dark, and he asked me if I was having fever, chills, or any signs of infection. I was not, so he said there probably wasn't anything he could do over the phone but that Dr. Medalie was coming in soon and would tell him to take a look at the e-mail. Dr. Medalie e-mailed me very promptly letting me know that everything looks like it's healing just fine. He also said not to focus on any specific spots. He said there was going to be lots of swelling and bruising for several weeks. So he put my mind at ease. It also made me feel really comfortable knowing that even on a Sunday if I needed to talk to someone about concerns I could. And to have him check out the pictures as soon as he got to the work was also reassuring I really do feel like I'm in good hands with Dr. Medalie and all of his staff.
Since then I've just been hanging around relaxing in bed. On the computer and watching tv. also eating and i'm about to either play some video games or take a nap when I'm done with my blog. The pain is even better today. Every day it really does look and feel better.
Mom is buying a cheap shower matt for the shower floor so I don't slip. When she gets home I'm going to take a shower. I'm looking forward to that. Showers are so nice. Mmmm. They really make all the surgery sites feel so much better. Plus they relax me.
I'm still taking antibiotics 4 times a day. Still applying antibiotic ointment 3 times a day. And washing with antibacterial liquid soap once a day. Percocets only as needed trying to use it as less as possible. And ibuprofen every 8 hours.
So far that's it for today. If anything worth mentioning comes up in the rest of the day, I'll update the end of this post. As usual, feel free to shoot me any questions!
I know I said I would update first about my feelings but I decided to do this post on healing days 4,5, & 6 just because I ended up going longer then expected without updating. So I definitely wanted to update about healing experience first but don't worry because a feelings post will be up next. I might even do it tonight after I take my
Healing is going extremely well! ::knock on wood:: lol But I can't complain so far. Everyday things look a little better and feel a little better. I have had achy painful moments but nothing that the meds and ice packs can't take away. Currently at day 6, I've drastically cut back on the percocets and mostly am only taking Motrin (ibuprofen) and icing frequently. So I'd say I'm doing pretty good. Pain seems to be pretty connected to how much I do. If I walk around too much, my balls are quick to let me know that I'm walking to much because they start to ache. The biggest thing I notice is I tire easily, which isn't so surprising since I did just have surgery 6 days ago. But ya, if getting tired easily is my chief complaint I'd say I'm doing fantastic. But anyways let me give you more details of how the last three days have gone and exactly what has happened.
Day 4 post-op (August 2, 2013) - I had my first (and last) post-op appointment. Dr. Medalie wasn't going to be in the office this day and I was scheduled to see him Monday but he told me before surgery he believed it was likely I'd be ready to have the drain out and go home by Friday so he wanted me see his nurse practitioner Andrea. So I saw her Friday morning. Very nice lady by the way! Super nice, let me talk her ear off about my penis, as I love to do these days. She checked it out, said that it is looking great. Since hardly anything was coming out of my drain tube anymore she took it out. She just snipped the stitch and took out the drain. It didn't hurt at all! I was nervous for her to take it out but literally she was like "Are you ready?" and then was like "Okay, it's out." I didn't even feel it. I was in disbelief. lol With the drain out I had the okay to start showering in a real shower and be able to get my whole body wet, yay! She told me that now that I can shower I needed to start washing my penis a little more thoroughly. The biggest thing she stressed was that I was the creases around the base of my penis. There's lots of swelling all around the penis so there's some areas that weren't really being washed by the warm soapy water rinses. She suggest in the shower I take the antibacterial liquid dial and get my hands all soapy and just gently wash the area. And rather then pushing the penis to the side to get around the edges of the base she suggesting pushing gently down on the surrounding tissues of the penis to allow me to clean the base of the penis. I was very scared about washing my penis fully (it turned out fine, you'll read about it on day 5 lol). she also gave me a script for 800 mg ibuprofen every 8 hours and she suggested I cut back on the percocet to just when I feel like I need a pill between the doses of ibuprofen. She said the ibuprofen should help with swelling too which it really has. So drain came out, everything looked good, and I was free to leave Cleveland whenever.
But we stayed one night because after my doctors appointment we went to the Cleveland park zoo!!! I highly recommend it. lol We got me a wheelchair. I put a big comfy pillow on the wheel chair and this wheel chair was way more comfortable then the one they had at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. My friend pushed me around and we had a good time. We stayed for almost 3 hours but then the zoo was closing. Then we grabbed food at CiCi's Pizza. Finally, I went to the hotel and I was exhausted!!!
I was so exhausted that I didn't even take the shower that I had been dying for. lol My friends packed up all my stuff and the plan was for us to leave in the morning.
Day 5 post-op (August 3, 2013) - Woke up bright and early and finally took that much needed shower. Washing my penis was really not bad. There was nothing to be scared of. Gently washing with warm soapy hands in the shower was fine and actually made everything feel a lot better. That hot shower on my pubic lift incision was helpful too. I feel liek it just relaxed all of my tense muscles. It was beyond refreshing.Also this was the first time I really got to touch my penis and testicles. I mean I you know would dab it with a wet wipe after peeing and my hand would sometimes graze it while adjusting my jockstrap after using the bathroom. But this was the first time really touching it. I had to touch it very gently obviously. But it was awesome, feeling this little package in my hand. It was just another one of those "whoa, this is real moments" where I was overflowing with joy. And I just felt so good after that shower. While I showered my friends packed the car. No heavy lifting for a couple weeks for me. Then I went to the front desk and told them I was checking out a couple nights early. I wanted to see if I could get any money back. I had been receiving a special rate for staying a full week so I wasn't sure if they were going to be able to refund me anything but I figured I'd give it a try. And they were able to refund me one night back! I had to pay for the full 7 days since I recieved the special weekly rate of $56 a night but they were able to refund me the 8th night so they credited the $56 plus taxes back onto my card. Woot woot!
Then we embarked on your journey back to Massachusetts. Only one of my friends with me has a license so Lauren had to drive the whole way home while Kendra kept her company. I on the other hand made myself comfortable in the back seat. I had 3 big comfy pillows. I laid down on my back with one pillow under my butt and two behind my neck and head. I kept the middle seat belt on loosely around my stomach just in case. I left my legs either bent, criss-crossed, or occasionally put them up one on the back of the back seat and the other on top of the door's window edge. and I was actually very very comfy! I was nervous it was going to be a terrible ride but it was actually great. I had a cooler on the side of me with ice packs and drinks. Plus I had some snacks so that I could eat every time I needed to take my pain meds and anti-biotics. I also had my phone and my friend's Nintendo 3DS with a bunch of games. So I kept myself entertained and also took a lot of naps. It was very nice in the car actually. I found it very soothing.
We did decide to stop at Niagara Fall while we were in upstate New York. We just made a short stop, checked out the fall (They were beautiful!), took a bunch of pictures, hit up the gift shop, and went home. They were all out of wheelchairs for rent at the visitors center so I had to do some walking. A little more then I would have liked to because the closest parking lot was full so I would say we had to walk roughly 2-3 blocks to get to the visitors center and then the falls viewing area wasn't too far from there. But it was still tough. It was hot out and I was walking slow. I was uncomfortable. My testicles started to ache and my body started to feel weak. As I mentioned, I get tired very fast since surgery. So once we got back to the car it was time to take more pain meds, I put an ice pack on my genitals, and then once it was time to take the ice off I knocked out for a while. My friends said I slept well, I was snoring loudly. I believe it because I'm not kidding when I say I was really comfortable. lol But anyways, Niagara was totally worth the stop.
We finally got home about 13 hours later. My parents greeted us outside. My friends and parents unloaded the car. I said my good byes to my friends and came inside. Another friend came over and spent the night. She helped me out. When I was applying my last antibiotic ointment treatment for the night she pointed out that a spot was a lot darker than the rest. And I, who am ridiculously paranoid became really scared so I took pictures and e-mailed them to Dr. Medalie. I didn't think it was life threatening so I decided to let the poor guy sleep and I'd call the office in the morning. Then I got comfortable in my bed and relaxed for a few hours watching TV and talking to my friend. Although the hotel was super nice, it's always much better being home. :-]
***Edited: I can't believe I forgot to mention my Mom decorated my room with "It's a boy" decorations and balloons! lol So I had that when I walked into my room. I got a kick out of it! lol
Day 6 post-op (August 4, 2013) - Woke up early. I was not in any pain which is good because I'd gone a long time without any of the percocets. Currently I'm doing like my nurse said, I take the Ibuprofen 800 mg every 8 hours and I don't take the percocets until I start getting pain bad enough that ice for 20 minutes can't fix.
After about an hour of being awake I gave Dr. Medalie's office a call. It's a Sunday so the office is closed but I spoke with the on-call doctor. Described what was going on with my penis, the spot that seemed really dark, and he asked me if I was having fever, chills, or any signs of infection. I was not, so he said there probably wasn't anything he could do over the phone but that Dr. Medalie was coming in soon and would tell him to take a look at the e-mail. Dr. Medalie e-mailed me very promptly letting me know that everything looks like it's healing just fine. He also said not to focus on any specific spots. He said there was going to be lots of swelling and bruising for several weeks. So he put my mind at ease. It also made me feel really comfortable knowing that even on a Sunday if I needed to talk to someone about concerns I could. And to have him check out the pictures as soon as he got to the work was also reassuring I really do feel like I'm in good hands with Dr. Medalie and all of his staff.
Since then I've just been hanging around relaxing in bed. On the computer and watching tv. also eating and i'm about to either play some video games or take a nap when I'm done with my blog. The pain is even better today. Every day it really does look and feel better.
Mom is buying a cheap shower matt for the shower floor so I don't slip. When she gets home I'm going to take a shower. I'm looking forward to that. Showers are so nice. Mmmm. They really make all the surgery sites feel so much better. Plus they relax me.
I'm still taking antibiotics 4 times a day. Still applying antibiotic ointment 3 times a day. And washing with antibacterial liquid soap once a day. Percocets only as needed trying to use it as less as possible. And ibuprofen every 8 hours.
So far that's it for today. If anything worth mentioning comes up in the rest of the day, I'll update the end of this post. As usual, feel free to shoot me any questions!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Healing Experience (The First 3 days Post-Op)
Hey Everyone,
So I'm writing this post a little past 3 days post-op. Here I'm going to talk about what healing has been like over these first 3 days.
Let me start by saying, healing has been WAY better than I expected. I thought I would be in way more pain, but overall it really hasn't been half bad. I was expecting to be in so much pain. I was super scared of how much pain I'd be in and the pain I have is way less then I thought it would be. I had spoke with a man who had the same procedure with the same surgeon last year and how he described his healing is what I thought it would be like for me. He had a very very rough and painful healing. It just goes to show you that everyone's body is different. So I'm describing what I would call a piece-of-cake healing process but other guys having the same procedure might have a very very different healing process. This is just my personal experience.
Day 1 -
I was pretty out of it coming home from the hospital. Reminder that this was an outpatient procedure, so I was in surgery for 4 hours, the recovery room for about 2.5 hours and then was released. We went to Walmart to fill my scripts and buy an extra pillow. I was walking around very slowly (and like a cowboy) with my friend holding my hand only a few hours after surgery which is kind of amazing when you think about it. But once the Novocaine down there fully wore off walking was less comfortable. lol Still not terrible. With this surgery there was never a time when I could not walk. I just need to take it easy and rest so I'm not doing a ton of walking. The surgeon and his nurses did encourage that I continue to do my normal walking, for example get up to go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, get my food, etc. They wanted me to keep doing normal things but also to make sure I do a lot of resting. So resting I did!
That first 24 hours I was really busy texting everyone, updating my facebook, and calling people. lol Everyone of course wanted to know how I was doing and I was super excited to let everyone know. Pain was extremely well managed. As I mentioned on another post, when I woke up in recovery, they offered to give me pain medication through the IV but I was in no pain so I said "No." And from that point on I just took the prescribed one or two 5mg percocet every 4 hours. Mostly I just take one pill. Occasionally if after 30-60 minutes after taking it I feel like I need a 2nd then I take the 2nd pill. Ice has been really nice at taking away any aches too.
One thing that I want to make note of during the first 24 hours that I was NOT expecting was the bleeding! There was blood and I'm such worrier so that was scary. To me if something is bleeding there is something wrong! But my friends as well as my surgeon's nurses reassured me I was fine. They had me in a jockstrap stuffed with gauze and yes that gauze ended up with a lot of blood in it. I was grossed out. And scared but apparently there was no reason to be. The scariest and grossest thing was whenever I peed. I lowered the jock strap to go pee and every single time I did during the first day I could actually see blood dripping. It wasn't a ton but it was dribbling and dripping from here and there out of the various stitched up areas. By the end of the first 24 hours the blood had almost entirely stopped. At day 3 right now I actually still have one spot under my penis that every so often still lets a little tiny blood drip. I'm not even sure if it's blood or just you know various fluid because it isn't bright red so it might be just a mixture of blood and fluid. But it seems to be fine. And all the other places that were dripping blood that first day are all fine too. The nurse, that I talked to multiple times that poor woman, said it was only a concern if there was a ton of blood to the point that you were bleeding through lots of gauze. I mean don't get me wrong I can show you a picture of that friggin jock strap from day one and it ended up quite red by the end of it in spite of all the gauze in there but it was still fine.
But overall the first 24 hours was a piece of cake. I would just say it was annoying because the drains needed to be emptied every 4 hours so that was annoying but pain was very minimal. Another annoying thing was that after surgery they encouraged me to slowly transition to solid food again. So the night after surgery all I had was yogurt, crackers, and nutritional shakes. The morning after surgery I got up with my friends and they brought me to the wicked awesome continental breakfast at our hotel. I are solid food for the first time and ate probably way too much. lol But it was soo good! But then my stomach hurt a little after that. I took a nap and I was fine. Oh and at the continental breakfast, I tried bringing a pillow and sitting on a pillow down there. The chair and pillow were comfortable enough but because of my pubic lift incision there was no way I could learn forward to use a table while sitting. So I gave up on that. There were some high tables with stools so Lauren and Kendra saw on the stools and I stood and ate my breakfast. I was more than happy with that! Oh and a nurse from my surgeon's office called me this morning to check on me and make sure I was doing okay.
Day 2 -
Things were easier, we only had to empty my drain twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening, so that was nice. And my stomach was all ready well acclimated to solid food so I could eat whatever I wanted, and that was great! I was feeling quite well so we decided to visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum! The walk from the car to the museum was a little too long for my liking. We realized later I could have gotten dropped off closer but oh well. The walking to the door, ya it kinda sucked. I was going really slow so it took forever and it made me achy. But once I got inside, my friends grabbed me a wheel chair. Rental was free. I brought a big soft pillow to sit on so I sat on it fairly comfortably with some minor fidgeting and adjusting lol and my friends pushed me around through the whole museum. I loved the museum by the way and it was awesome to be out of the hotel room. But by the time we got back to the car my testicles were definitely quite achy. I took a pain pill and we got stuck in a lot of traffic but I leaned the seat back and I was okay. When I got to my hotel room I made sure I laid down right away and did lots of icing!!! Pain went away pretty quickly once I laid down and got ice on the area. I think the act of sitting up was what made me achy. I was learning and slouching as much as possible in the wheel chair and was using the pillow but no matter what, if you're not laying down flat on your back, you're going to put some type of pressure on the testicles and they just were not happy about that! lol You have to figure, that was skin that previously had nothing in there and was much smaller, suddenly it was hollowed out, stretched, and stuffed with balls then sewn up. They've been through a whole lot, so they're not at all happy unless you're just laying down. Even then sometimes they kind of get aches.
Day 3 -
Kendra didn't wanna go to breakfast so me and Lauren decided to just go down, grab some food and come back up. Today was an achier then usual day. Maybe it was from the sitting around in the wheel chair yesterday that did it to me but def a little more pain. It was still nothing excruciating. It had it's very achy moments but nothing insane. Today I really spent the day relaxing. My friends went to check out Lake Erie and get food but I just laid low in the hotel. I did lots of icing and staying off my feet. I have a laptop tray for bed that I use for eating or using my laptop and the hotel has free wifi so the time really goes by. With the internet at your finger tips you manage to pass the time. It takes your mind off of any aches and pains you might have too so that's nice. I also have my xbox360 set up to the TV so I have netflix and can watch a ton of different things. I also am borrowing my friends Nintendo 3DS with a bunch of games.
So ya, not too much happened today it was pretty low key. The one big event today was my first post-op bowel movement this evening. Now I normally do not have bowel movements very often so I wasn't concerned much about it but since I know sometimes doctors really want to make sure you're movements are good after surgery I figured I'd call and ask them about that. The nurse said it was fine that I haven't had one yet since I normally don't go every day and since I'm on pain medication but she did say it would be good to take some Milk of Magnesia to encourage a bowel movement sooner rather than later that way if there was something blocked we'd find out about it now rather then waiting. So I took the Milk of Mag (over the counter stuff by the way) and all day I could feel you know my body preparing for it. I was scared. lol Because I thought pushing might hurt. Finally around like 11pm I sat there for a long long time and finally went to the bathroom but honestly it took a lot out of me. My body felt physically exhausted afterwards. It didn't hurt to push at all but sitting on the toilet is not comfortable so I couldn't really just sit relaxed like I normally would. I was very tense and on top of that trying to hard to push so by the end my stomach, lower back, butt, and upper leg muscles felt weak like jello. My stomach felt great after the BM but my body felt like it had been through the ringer! And it was late and I still had to empty my drain, let my friend wash my penis and balls and put on the medicated ointment and all that. Oh and I needed to take my testosterone shot so I was very frustrated and feeling irritable and sick of healing at this point.
But once that stuff was all done, I heated up my bath clothes, wiped myself down. washed my face really good. had a snack, took my meds and I was in a much better mood. And now that I've updated my blog I feel very accomplished! So everything is good.
I have my first (possibly last) post-op appointment tomorrow at 1:15pm. Then me and my friends are going to go to the Cleveland Zoo. I hope I get this drain out because that means we'll be able to head home sooner. It also means I'll be able to take a real shower which will be soooo nice. But I don't want to jinx it so we'll see! Either way I'll update soon.
So I'm writing this post a little past 3 days post-op. Here I'm going to talk about what healing has been like over these first 3 days.
Let me start by saying, healing has been WAY better than I expected. I thought I would be in way more pain, but overall it really hasn't been half bad. I was expecting to be in so much pain. I was super scared of how much pain I'd be in and the pain I have is way less then I thought it would be. I had spoke with a man who had the same procedure with the same surgeon last year and how he described his healing is what I thought it would be like for me. He had a very very rough and painful healing. It just goes to show you that everyone's body is different. So I'm describing what I would call a piece-of-cake healing process but other guys having the same procedure might have a very very different healing process. This is just my personal experience.
Day 1 -
I was pretty out of it coming home from the hospital. Reminder that this was an outpatient procedure, so I was in surgery for 4 hours, the recovery room for about 2.5 hours and then was released. We went to Walmart to fill my scripts and buy an extra pillow. I was walking around very slowly (and like a cowboy) with my friend holding my hand only a few hours after surgery which is kind of amazing when you think about it. But once the Novocaine down there fully wore off walking was less comfortable. lol Still not terrible. With this surgery there was never a time when I could not walk. I just need to take it easy and rest so I'm not doing a ton of walking. The surgeon and his nurses did encourage that I continue to do my normal walking, for example get up to go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, get my food, etc. They wanted me to keep doing normal things but also to make sure I do a lot of resting. So resting I did!
That first 24 hours I was really busy texting everyone, updating my facebook, and calling people. lol Everyone of course wanted to know how I was doing and I was super excited to let everyone know. Pain was extremely well managed. As I mentioned on another post, when I woke up in recovery, they offered to give me pain medication through the IV but I was in no pain so I said "No." And from that point on I just took the prescribed one or two 5mg percocet every 4 hours. Mostly I just take one pill. Occasionally if after 30-60 minutes after taking it I feel like I need a 2nd then I take the 2nd pill. Ice has been really nice at taking away any aches too.
One thing that I want to make note of during the first 24 hours that I was NOT expecting was the bleeding! There was blood and I'm such worrier so that was scary. To me if something is bleeding there is something wrong! But my friends as well as my surgeon's nurses reassured me I was fine. They had me in a jockstrap stuffed with gauze and yes that gauze ended up with a lot of blood in it. I was grossed out. And scared but apparently there was no reason to be. The scariest and grossest thing was whenever I peed. I lowered the jock strap to go pee and every single time I did during the first day I could actually see blood dripping. It wasn't a ton but it was dribbling and dripping from here and there out of the various stitched up areas. By the end of the first 24 hours the blood had almost entirely stopped. At day 3 right now I actually still have one spot under my penis that every so often still lets a little tiny blood drip. I'm not even sure if it's blood or just you know various fluid because it isn't bright red so it might be just a mixture of blood and fluid. But it seems to be fine. And all the other places that were dripping blood that first day are all fine too. The nurse, that I talked to multiple times that poor woman, said it was only a concern if there was a ton of blood to the point that you were bleeding through lots of gauze. I mean don't get me wrong I can show you a picture of that friggin jock strap from day one and it ended up quite red by the end of it in spite of all the gauze in there but it was still fine.
But overall the first 24 hours was a piece of cake. I would just say it was annoying because the drains needed to be emptied every 4 hours so that was annoying but pain was very minimal. Another annoying thing was that after surgery they encouraged me to slowly transition to solid food again. So the night after surgery all I had was yogurt, crackers, and nutritional shakes. The morning after surgery I got up with my friends and they brought me to the wicked awesome continental breakfast at our hotel. I are solid food for the first time and ate probably way too much. lol But it was soo good! But then my stomach hurt a little after that. I took a nap and I was fine. Oh and at the continental breakfast, I tried bringing a pillow and sitting on a pillow down there. The chair and pillow were comfortable enough but because of my pubic lift incision there was no way I could learn forward to use a table while sitting. So I gave up on that. There were some high tables with stools so Lauren and Kendra saw on the stools and I stood and ate my breakfast. I was more than happy with that! Oh and a nurse from my surgeon's office called me this morning to check on me and make sure I was doing okay.
Day 2 -
Things were easier, we only had to empty my drain twice a day, once in the morning and once in the evening, so that was nice. And my stomach was all ready well acclimated to solid food so I could eat whatever I wanted, and that was great! I was feeling quite well so we decided to visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Museum! The walk from the car to the museum was a little too long for my liking. We realized later I could have gotten dropped off closer but oh well. The walking to the door, ya it kinda sucked. I was going really slow so it took forever and it made me achy. But once I got inside, my friends grabbed me a wheel chair. Rental was free. I brought a big soft pillow to sit on so I sat on it fairly comfortably with some minor fidgeting and adjusting lol and my friends pushed me around through the whole museum. I loved the museum by the way and it was awesome to be out of the hotel room. But by the time we got back to the car my testicles were definitely quite achy. I took a pain pill and we got stuck in a lot of traffic but I leaned the seat back and I was okay. When I got to my hotel room I made sure I laid down right away and did lots of icing!!! Pain went away pretty quickly once I laid down and got ice on the area. I think the act of sitting up was what made me achy. I was learning and slouching as much as possible in the wheel chair and was using the pillow but no matter what, if you're not laying down flat on your back, you're going to put some type of pressure on the testicles and they just were not happy about that! lol You have to figure, that was skin that previously had nothing in there and was much smaller, suddenly it was hollowed out, stretched, and stuffed with balls then sewn up. They've been through a whole lot, so they're not at all happy unless you're just laying down. Even then sometimes they kind of get aches.
Day 3 -
Kendra didn't wanna go to breakfast so me and Lauren decided to just go down, grab some food and come back up. Today was an achier then usual day. Maybe it was from the sitting around in the wheel chair yesterday that did it to me but def a little more pain. It was still nothing excruciating. It had it's very achy moments but nothing insane. Today I really spent the day relaxing. My friends went to check out Lake Erie and get food but I just laid low in the hotel. I did lots of icing and staying off my feet. I have a laptop tray for bed that I use for eating or using my laptop and the hotel has free wifi so the time really goes by. With the internet at your finger tips you manage to pass the time. It takes your mind off of any aches and pains you might have too so that's nice. I also have my xbox360 set up to the TV so I have netflix and can watch a ton of different things. I also am borrowing my friends Nintendo 3DS with a bunch of games.
So ya, not too much happened today it was pretty low key. The one big event today was my first post-op bowel movement this evening. Now I normally do not have bowel movements very often so I wasn't concerned much about it but since I know sometimes doctors really want to make sure you're movements are good after surgery I figured I'd call and ask them about that. The nurse said it was fine that I haven't had one yet since I normally don't go every day and since I'm on pain medication but she did say it would be good to take some Milk of Magnesia to encourage a bowel movement sooner rather than later that way if there was something blocked we'd find out about it now rather then waiting. So I took the Milk of Mag (over the counter stuff by the way) and all day I could feel you know my body preparing for it. I was scared. lol Because I thought pushing might hurt. Finally around like 11pm I sat there for a long long time and finally went to the bathroom but honestly it took a lot out of me. My body felt physically exhausted afterwards. It didn't hurt to push at all but sitting on the toilet is not comfortable so I couldn't really just sit relaxed like I normally would. I was very tense and on top of that trying to hard to push so by the end my stomach, lower back, butt, and upper leg muscles felt weak like jello. My stomach felt great after the BM but my body felt like it had been through the ringer! And it was late and I still had to empty my drain, let my friend wash my penis and balls and put on the medicated ointment and all that. Oh and I needed to take my testosterone shot so I was very frustrated and feeling irritable and sick of healing at this point.
But once that stuff was all done, I heated up my bath clothes, wiped myself down. washed my face really good. had a snack, took my meds and I was in a much better mood. And now that I've updated my blog I feel very accomplished! So everything is good.
I have my first (possibly last) post-op appointment tomorrow at 1:15pm. Then me and my friends are going to go to the Cleveland Zoo. I hope I get this drain out because that means we'll be able to head home sooner. It also means I'll be able to take a real shower which will be soooo nice. But I don't want to jinx it so we'll see! Either way I'll update soon.
Post-Op Care
Hey Everyone,
So I'm at a little past 3 days post-op! In this blog post I'm going to talk about what I (and my friends) needed to do for post-op care these first three days.
The things I need to do are not really that hard...in theory. lol It's a short pretty simple list but you're about to read what it's like to actually carry these things out. lol
Medications -
Pills
I have my pain medication which I take every 4 hours. Then I have antibiotics that I need to take with food 4 times a day for the first 7 days post-op. Luckily, no problems with nausea from the pain meds or diarrhea from the antibiotics which are two symptoms I was told were very possible. The pain meds have however given me some serious constipation. I took over the counter Milk of Magnesia and that helped things along some but it still was not easy. lol Remembering to take the pills I needed a lot of help with the first day because I had such terrible memory from the anesthesia. After that first day I set timers in my phone for when to take my pills but my friends still made sure to remind me, especially about the antibiotic.
Ointments
They asked me to get Bacitracin and apply it to all the stitched areas 3 times a day. I can't even fully see the stitched areas without a mirror so my friend Lauren had to help me with that. I would sort of sit (mostly leaning back) on the edge of my bed and she'd use gloves and apply the medicated ointment to all the areas that have stitches showing. These areas were each testicle and the underside of my penis from the base to the tip. There are stitches up across the incision where the pubic lift was but this area is covered with steri-strips and does not need to have medication placed on it. I was pretty scared about letting her touch my stitches but she went gentle and honestly it didn't hurt at all.
Cleaning -
Mandatory Cleaning (doctors orders)
After I urinate I have to take an UNSCENTED baby wipe and dab the area; no wiping! just dabbing. And because of swelling when I pee urine just goes like everywhere lol (thighs, butt cheeks, all over the testicles and sometimes the top of the toilet seat) so I usually have to wipe my thighs and butt with the baby wipes after dabbing the genital area gently. After any bowl movement I also need to clean it with a baby wipe very carefully not to get any germs on my genital area.
My one a day cleaning I was told to start 24 hours after surgery. So after I was 24 hours post-op we had our first washing. I was very scared of this. lol I was dreading it the whole first day. But it wasn't bad. He wanted me to basically just wash the area with warm antibacterial soapy water. They recommended liquid dial gentle antibacterial soap. They said realistically I probably wasn't going to be able to get off all the dried blood and what not right away and they told me not to worry about that. Basically my friend Lauren took over and cleaned me each time. I really didn't realize how much I was going to need help after surgery and I'm not sure my friends knew what they were in for either. lol I knew they were gonna end up seeing me naked but I didn't realize how up close and personal things were going to get. lol But thank god, Lauren took over because I was too scared to do much down there. Basically I would stand in the shower and she would run the tub water warm, take a cup, fill it with the warm water, add the dial mix it up and make it all sudsy. Then she'd take that water and pour it all over my penis and testicles careful not to get my drain incision wet because that can't get wet at all. So she'd fill the cup a few times with soap and water pouring it over me genital area. Then she'd do it a few times just with warm water to get the soap off and that was it. all done! Nothing to be scared of. But I was scared every single time. lol Then I'd get out of the tub and use a towel to kinda carefully dry my thighs and use a guaze pad to very gently pat try my penis and balls.
Non-Mandatory Cleaning (stuff I did just to not feel gross)
I didn't "need" to do the following things but I did them because they made me feel not so gross. I am unable to shower until the drain is out so I wanted to at least clean up. I bought CVS brand cloths to sponge bathe myself. You throw the whole package in the microwave and it warms them up. You wipe your body down with it and let it dry. It leaves you feeling clean and soft and smelling kind of like baby powder. It's not necessary but honestly they're cheap and it just makes me feel better. Comfort is nice when you're healing.
I also had my friend Kendra wash my hair in the sink on Wednesday. lol We were going out and I didn't want my hair to look greasy so I had her wash it for me. I had to get in a very strange position to get my head in the sink since leaning forward at the waste is hard/painful right now but we managed and I looked nice and felt nice.
Emptying Drain -
There is one drain. I'm pretty sure he only uses a drain on his metoidioplasties if you have a pubic lift which I had therefore I have a drain. The drain is off the right directly on the side of the horizontal incision from the pubic lift. During the first 24 hours post-op the drain needed to be emptied and recorded every 4 hours minimum. You have to do it more often I think if it becomes half full. Mine never became more than half full so Lauren emptied my drain every 4 hours during that first night and day. To empty a drain you basically have to "milk" the tube pushing all of the fluid from the tube into the end receptacle which looks like one of those children's juice's "Teeny Drinks." It's the same type of drain that most top surgeons use. One all the fluid is pushed into the receptacle then you have to squeeze all the fluids/blood into a measuring cup, then you record how much was in there. Lauren did this for me the first two days. Third day (today) I was doing it on my own. After the first 24 hours it only needs to be done twice a day (more if you reach 1/3 full I believe is the rule) but after the first 24 hours I had an extremely small amount of fluid coming out so we've only had to empty it twice a day. By the way, I'm going to my first post-op appointment tomorrow (Friday, 4 days post-op) and my surgeon's nurse is going to check if the drain is ready to come out. Once the drain is out I can technically go home. But I have a really long drive so even if it comes out tomorrow we're not going to leave just yet. If the drain stays in, then I have another appointment Monday and he said by Monday it will definitely be ready to come out. He was pretty confident that it'd be out by Friday though and with such little stuff coming out I'm thinking it will be out by then. That will be super nice because that means I'll be able to take a real shower yay!!!
Ice -
They didn't say it was mandatory but they encouraged it (20 minutes on and 20 minutes off, as often as needed and always make sure there is cloths between the ice pack and the skin) and let me tell you, god it helps so much! I usually hate to use ice packs on any sort of injuries but I'm tell you ice packs have been tremendously amazing. If I'm aching, I put an ice pack on and in a few minutes the pain is gone. Mmmm ice packs! If you have this surgery get lots of soft flexible ice packs. I have two plus one they gave me at the hospital. I keep them in the little freezer of the hotel's mini fridge and I switch them out as I need them.
So I'm at a little past 3 days post-op! In this blog post I'm going to talk about what I (and my friends) needed to do for post-op care these first three days.
Post-Op Care
The things I need to do are not really that hard...in theory. lol It's a short pretty simple list but you're about to read what it's like to actually carry these things out. lol
Medications -
Pills
I have my pain medication which I take every 4 hours. Then I have antibiotics that I need to take with food 4 times a day for the first 7 days post-op. Luckily, no problems with nausea from the pain meds or diarrhea from the antibiotics which are two symptoms I was told were very possible. The pain meds have however given me some serious constipation. I took over the counter Milk of Magnesia and that helped things along some but it still was not easy. lol Remembering to take the pills I needed a lot of help with the first day because I had such terrible memory from the anesthesia. After that first day I set timers in my phone for when to take my pills but my friends still made sure to remind me, especially about the antibiotic.
Ointments
They asked me to get Bacitracin and apply it to all the stitched areas 3 times a day. I can't even fully see the stitched areas without a mirror so my friend Lauren had to help me with that. I would sort of sit (mostly leaning back) on the edge of my bed and she'd use gloves and apply the medicated ointment to all the areas that have stitches showing. These areas were each testicle and the underside of my penis from the base to the tip. There are stitches up across the incision where the pubic lift was but this area is covered with steri-strips and does not need to have medication placed on it. I was pretty scared about letting her touch my stitches but she went gentle and honestly it didn't hurt at all.
Cleaning -
Mandatory Cleaning (doctors orders)
After I urinate I have to take an UNSCENTED baby wipe and dab the area; no wiping! just dabbing. And because of swelling when I pee urine just goes like everywhere lol (thighs, butt cheeks, all over the testicles and sometimes the top of the toilet seat) so I usually have to wipe my thighs and butt with the baby wipes after dabbing the genital area gently. After any bowl movement I also need to clean it with a baby wipe very carefully not to get any germs on my genital area.
My one a day cleaning I was told to start 24 hours after surgery. So after I was 24 hours post-op we had our first washing. I was very scared of this. lol I was dreading it the whole first day. But it wasn't bad. He wanted me to basically just wash the area with warm antibacterial soapy water. They recommended liquid dial gentle antibacterial soap. They said realistically I probably wasn't going to be able to get off all the dried blood and what not right away and they told me not to worry about that. Basically my friend Lauren took over and cleaned me each time. I really didn't realize how much I was going to need help after surgery and I'm not sure my friends knew what they were in for either. lol I knew they were gonna end up seeing me naked but I didn't realize how up close and personal things were going to get. lol But thank god, Lauren took over because I was too scared to do much down there. Basically I would stand in the shower and she would run the tub water warm, take a cup, fill it with the warm water, add the dial mix it up and make it all sudsy. Then she'd take that water and pour it all over my penis and testicles careful not to get my drain incision wet because that can't get wet at all. So she'd fill the cup a few times with soap and water pouring it over me genital area. Then she'd do it a few times just with warm water to get the soap off and that was it. all done! Nothing to be scared of. But I was scared every single time. lol Then I'd get out of the tub and use a towel to kinda carefully dry my thighs and use a guaze pad to very gently pat try my penis and balls.
Non-Mandatory Cleaning (stuff I did just to not feel gross)
I didn't "need" to do the following things but I did them because they made me feel not so gross. I am unable to shower until the drain is out so I wanted to at least clean up. I bought CVS brand cloths to sponge bathe myself. You throw the whole package in the microwave and it warms them up. You wipe your body down with it and let it dry. It leaves you feeling clean and soft and smelling kind of like baby powder. It's not necessary but honestly they're cheap and it just makes me feel better. Comfort is nice when you're healing.
I also had my friend Kendra wash my hair in the sink on Wednesday. lol We were going out and I didn't want my hair to look greasy so I had her wash it for me. I had to get in a very strange position to get my head in the sink since leaning forward at the waste is hard/painful right now but we managed and I looked nice and felt nice.
Emptying Drain -
There is one drain. I'm pretty sure he only uses a drain on his metoidioplasties if you have a pubic lift which I had therefore I have a drain. The drain is off the right directly on the side of the horizontal incision from the pubic lift. During the first 24 hours post-op the drain needed to be emptied and recorded every 4 hours minimum. You have to do it more often I think if it becomes half full. Mine never became more than half full so Lauren emptied my drain every 4 hours during that first night and day. To empty a drain you basically have to "milk" the tube pushing all of the fluid from the tube into the end receptacle which looks like one of those children's juice's "Teeny Drinks." It's the same type of drain that most top surgeons use. One all the fluid is pushed into the receptacle then you have to squeeze all the fluids/blood into a measuring cup, then you record how much was in there. Lauren did this for me the first two days. Third day (today) I was doing it on my own. After the first 24 hours it only needs to be done twice a day (more if you reach 1/3 full I believe is the rule) but after the first 24 hours I had an extremely small amount of fluid coming out so we've only had to empty it twice a day. By the way, I'm going to my first post-op appointment tomorrow (Friday, 4 days post-op) and my surgeon's nurse is going to check if the drain is ready to come out. Once the drain is out I can technically go home. But I have a really long drive so even if it comes out tomorrow we're not going to leave just yet. If the drain stays in, then I have another appointment Monday and he said by Monday it will definitely be ready to come out. He was pretty confident that it'd be out by Friday though and with such little stuff coming out I'm thinking it will be out by then. That will be super nice because that means I'll be able to take a real shower yay!!!
Ice -
They didn't say it was mandatory but they encouraged it (20 minutes on and 20 minutes off, as often as needed and always make sure there is cloths between the ice pack and the skin) and let me tell you, god it helps so much! I usually hate to use ice packs on any sort of injuries but I'm tell you ice packs have been tremendously amazing. If I'm aching, I put an ice pack on and in a few minutes the pain is gone. Mmmm ice packs! If you have this surgery get lots of soft flexible ice packs. I have two plus one they gave me at the hospital. I keep them in the little freezer of the hotel's mini fridge and I switch them out as I need them.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Surgery Day/Surgery Experience (Detailed)
Okay, it is the morning of Wednesday, July 31, 2013. I am getting close to 48 hours post op and I'm now feeling ready to write up a nice detailed entry about surgery! I apologize if I ramble a bit or if I don't make sense at any point. I'm still on medication. I'll edit this some where down the line, I just really want to write everything while it's all still fresh in my mind. All right, here we go!
I'll start from Sunday (the day before surgery). So Sunday morning my friends Kendra and Lauren came to my house and we left from good old Massachusetts around 9:15am. Lauren and I took turns driving to Cleveland, Ohio. Took some stops along the way for bathroom breaks, gas breaks, and a quick lunch and dinner. Arrived in Cleveland at our hotel around 9:00pm. We checked in and brought all our stuff up to the room. Room is beautiful by the way. Nice and roomy. Smells great. Clean. Nice big TV. So many plugs everywhere it's awesome. TV has an easy hook up to plug in my Xbox360. So I set everything up and we went out to the nearby Super Walmart. I had all ready bought a lot of groceries but there was a few things I wanted to pick up like those plates of sliced fruits and some yogurts. I wanted to make sure I was eating fruits and other healthy stuff post-op but I knew if it was anything hard to prepare or eat that I wouldn't want to so the cut up fruit tray helped with that. and I couldn't bring it in the long car ride which is why I picked it up at Walmart. My friends also needed to pick up their groceries at Walmart.
We came back to the hotel. I had my 'last meal' lol because I couldn't have anything to eat or drink after Midnight. I woke up the next morning (soooo thirsty but couldn't drink lol) and I took a shower. I couldn't wear any deodorant (or lotions but I never do anyways). I dressed in comfy clothes and sneakers. I had a very light pair of mesh gym shorts and a T-shirt. I very anxiously waited for it to be 10:30 so I could leave for the hospital. Lauren drove us to the hospital because I was so nerved up. lol I brought a little plastic bag with my plugs (earrings), lip ring, and deodorant for after surgery though I didn't end up putting in or using any of that until back at the hotel anyway. I also brought a jock strap per my surgeon's orders.
We got to the hotel. It's a huge medical center. It took us a few to find the actual building we needed to be in but we were early anyways so it was fine. We get to the waiting room and were sitting there. I was freaking out. I started crying. lol Kendra held me, reassured me I was not going to die. I'm a worrier. It's in my nature. I wasn't worried about bad results or anything like that. I was and still am very confident and comfortable in my surgeon's abilities. I was just scared about having surgery. I've had surgery once before, for my chest, but I was still pretty scared about dying. It's always a possibility that you'll die during surgery but realistically it's very unlikely. I calmed down after a couple minutes. They finally called me into the pre-op room.
Nurses took my vitals. My blood pressure was 153/98!!!!! That is way high for me. I was nervous as heck. The nurses were really nice though. I felt like I was in good hands. They joked with me and made me feel okay. They comforted me. They had me get into a Johnny, footies, and one of those blue caps. They ran the IV and I was really scared of that because I hate IVs but the lady did a good job of it. They called Kendra and Lauren to come and sit with me in there while they gave me lots of fluids via the IV. The nurses asked me a million questions. The anesthesiologist came in and also asked me a bunch of questions. My surgeon came in, asked me a few questions. He checked things out really quick and made some marks on me. This was his first time seeing my genitals in person. I met him one time at the First Event conference in Boston and talked with him a little but we never had an in person consultation. He had me e-mail him high quality photos of my genitals and from the pictures he determined that I was a good candidate for this surgery. We also had a phone consultation about a week prior to surgery where he went over everything with me and answered any questions I had. I all ready knew almost everything I needed to know before that though because I had listened to his presentation at First Event and I had been e-mailing him ever since with all my random questions. He is amazing at getting back to you via your email inquiries.
So after that I just waited with my friends for probably about an hour. The anesthesiologist came back and gave me some medicine to relax me and then they took me to surgery. I know she said she wasn't going to start putting me to sleep until I was all ready in the operating room but honestly I don't remember ever seeing the operating room. lol So I'm assuming I knocked out pretty quickly.
Surgery took 4 hours. I haven't talked to my surgeon so I'm not sure why it took longer than expected. He anticipated 2-3 hours. He said usually it takes about 2.5 but I ended up in there for 4. No idea why. The nurses said nothing went wrong so I don't know why. I'll have to ask him next time I talk to him. Anyways, I woke up in the recovery room. I guess I had been in the recovery room for about 2 hours. I woke up and was extremely out of it. I was very disoriented, dizzy and confused but had no pain at all in my penis or testicles. Just soreness on the incision for my pubic lift when the recovery nurse started having me move. (For reference, the pubic lift is a horizontal incision across the pubic area where my surgeon cut some skin out and lifted the whole genital area up and sewed that horizontal incision shut. This lifts the penis and balls so that it is in a more masculine position in the front of the body, rather then in between the legs where a female bodied person's genitals usually are located. It is very helpful and making everything be where it's supposed to but it feels really sore and tight because they pulled everything upwards and sewed it!) She helped stand me up and then sat me in a reclining chair. She had me sit for a few minutes, honestly I have no concept of time so I don't know how long but it seemed very short. They had put me in the jockstrap while I was still under anesthesia, I guess? Because I woke up wearing it I think unless they did it while I was half out of it. They actually might have, I can't really remember. Either way the jock strap was put on me at some point. And while I was in the chair they pulled the jock strap down and showed me my new genitals! I was happy but mind you I couldn't lean forward at all whatsoever because of the pubic lift incision which makes the whole area very tight and sore. Because I couldn't lean forward and because the pubic area and penis was so swollen I couldn't see the balls at all! I remember distinctly asking the nurse "Are there balls in there?" lol To which she very politely replied, "Yes there are two testicular implants." lol
They called in Kendra and Lauren. They gave them a bunch of post-op directions, thank God they told them because I would have never remembered. Then I had to pee so the nurse walked me over to the bathroom. My legs were like jello! I was super dizzy but the nurse guided me all the way there, brought me to the bathroom. But then she left me at the toilet alone to pee and I was like way too high for that. So I sat down and peed but I know something went wrong, I can't remember what it was. Maybe I was confused about how to wipe or maybe I couldn't get the jock strap. Maybe I was just scared cuz blood was dripping and anytime I see blood I freak out and think somethings wrong. lol I can't remember what it was exactly, I just know I ended up needing her help. I called for her but she couldn't hear me. There was probably a bell to ring but I was super disoriented at this point so I didn't think of that. I knocked on the door from the inside but still nothing so then I just opened the door and like anyone around there so me very naked because I was just standing at the door, jockstrap around my knees, dripping blood and looking nasty lol The resident sitting at the desk definitely saw all of my goods and services. lol So the nurse was waiting right outside the door and when I opened it she saw I needed help so she came in and helped me. That's when this second nurse who was super super nice came in to help. One lady helped me stay stable while the other grabbed me some baby wipes and they told me not to wipe but just dab the area so I did. Then they walked me back to the reclining chair I was in before.
They got me graham crackers and ginger ale and regular crackers. I ate them all and drank the ginger ale. I didn't feel nauseous or anything. They showed my friends how to empty my drain tube. The nurse like managed to splash so much of my drain blood/fluid everywhere and in hindsight it's really kinda funny but also very gross. At the time I was way too messed up and out of it to be phased by it. But looking back it was like on the arm of the chair, on the food table, on my leg. lol very gross. The other nurse came with alcohol pads and was wiping the areas where the blood splashed. Then the nurses got me situated and then the really super nice nurse helped get me in a wheel chair. I felt safe with that nurse because I could tell she cared. Not that the other nurse didn't, but I just felt like the other nurse was more robotic whereas this second nurse just went above and beyond for me. She ended up offering to take over I think it was so the other nurse could go do something else. I kept telling her how grateful I was and how awesome she was. And she kept complimenting me. I don't remember the words she used but basically she was telling me that I was like inspiring and awesome because I'm trans. She didn't use those exact words, she couldn't say the words trans because we were like in the hospital and she was pushing me in the wheel chair so she obviously didn't want to out me but she was basically saying it without saying it. Like just telling me, she thought I was awesome and strong for doing what I was doing. We had a 'moment.' You know? lol For real, I wish I could remember what was actually said. Some point during this time I was starting to get feeling back in my genitals. The nurses told me they used Novocaine to numb the area and that I'd slowly start getting feeling back. While I was at the hospital the underside of my penis started to hurt. I would later see that's because there are tons of stitches on the underside of my penis. Yukky! But it didn't hurt too bad, it was just a little. They gave me a percocet before I left the hospital. They offered to give me pain medication via the IV but I didn't feel like I needed it. Speaking of which, if anyone's wondering the Dr. prescribed me 5mg percocets and told me to take 1-2 every four hours as needed. He also prescribed antibiotics for me to take 4 times a day for the next 7 days to prevent infection.
Anyways, they get me in the car. And then we went to Walmart to fill the script. I was feeling quite good. Kendra held my hand and stayed right by me. We walked very slowly, me kind of waddling and walking like a cowboy, we walked to the pharmacy. While the script was being filled me and Kendra walked a little. It felt good to stretch my legs and use them. Also, one of the ER nurses before surgery was going on and on about how I needed to do a lot of walking post-op to prevent blood clots but then the recovery room nurses were like "a nurse told you to walk around a lot? no, you're really not supposed to do a ton of walking." so we checked with my surgeon's office and the recovery room nurses were right, they said, I should do my normal walking, like walk to the bathroom walk to do the "normal" things I would do but don't do tons of walking like any excessive walking more so then I would usually do because my body really needs to heal. So basically that first nurse in the ER didn't know what she was talking about. Let that be a lesson to listen to the orders of your doctor's staff and your doctor himself because a lot of times doctors work out of big facilities with nurses who aren't specifically familiar with your procedure and they might give you the wrong advice. Luckily, no harm no foul, we found out that I shouldn't do a ton of walking before leaving the hospital. So I've just been doing a little walking. While at Walmart it felt real good to use my legs. I guess they were up in stirrups all surgery long so like the pinky toes on both feet were like numb/pins and needles for whatever reason. I guess the position they had my feet in but so walking was nice and at the time the Novocaine hadn't fully worn off so I wasn't in much pain. While at Walmart I bought an extra pillow.
Then they took me home. I got into bed. I have a laptop tray to keep my laptop off of my genitals. Peeing was really rough for the first day because its hard to get in and out of bed and then to get on the toilet. And the actual act of peeing burned really bad for the first day or so because during surgery they put a catheter in so it irritates the urethra and what not. Oh and because there is so much swelling down there when I pee the stream is just absolutely insane. lol Like I end up peeing all over my thighs and butt. But I have unscented baby wipes and I just pat the genital area very gently and wipe my legs and butt.
The first few days every time I pulled down the jock strap, there was lots of bleeding. It was really gross. I was scared because I worry about everything so I was paranoid but I talked to my doctors office on the phone and described it to them and they said I was fine. At this point I'm almost completely not bleeding anymore. I only have one section on my right testicle where I still have a tiny bit of blood dribble out sometimes. Otherwise no more bleeding.
I have a drain tube and that needed to be emptied every 4 hours for the first 24 hours and the amount that was in it needed to be recorded. My friend Lauren helped me with all of that. At this point not much is coming out anymore and I only need to empty it about twice a day.
That first night I was in very little pain. I had some achy moments but for the most part I was just fine. very comfortable. I had to slowly progress to solid foods so that first night all I ate was yogurt, crackers, and Ensure nutrition shakes. I had no problem with nausea. I did have to pee a whole lot which was very annoying because it hurt and was hard to get in and out of bed. lol but it was manageable. Kendra and Lauren helped me a lot.
By the way, I really underestimated how much help I was going to need for this surgery. They had to help remind me about meds, and ice packs, and emptying drains, and dressing and cleaning and basically everything! But you can read more about that when I write up about some of the follow up care. lol This will be it for now. Pretty detailed story of surgery day. Next I'll write about how healing has been going since surgery and how follow up care has been.
I'll start from Sunday (the day before surgery). So Sunday morning my friends Kendra and Lauren came to my house and we left from good old Massachusetts around 9:15am. Lauren and I took turns driving to Cleveland, Ohio. Took some stops along the way for bathroom breaks, gas breaks, and a quick lunch and dinner. Arrived in Cleveland at our hotel around 9:00pm. We checked in and brought all our stuff up to the room. Room is beautiful by the way. Nice and roomy. Smells great. Clean. Nice big TV. So many plugs everywhere it's awesome. TV has an easy hook up to plug in my Xbox360. So I set everything up and we went out to the nearby Super Walmart. I had all ready bought a lot of groceries but there was a few things I wanted to pick up like those plates of sliced fruits and some yogurts. I wanted to make sure I was eating fruits and other healthy stuff post-op but I knew if it was anything hard to prepare or eat that I wouldn't want to so the cut up fruit tray helped with that. and I couldn't bring it in the long car ride which is why I picked it up at Walmart. My friends also needed to pick up their groceries at Walmart.
We came back to the hotel. I had my 'last meal' lol because I couldn't have anything to eat or drink after Midnight. I woke up the next morning (soooo thirsty but couldn't drink lol) and I took a shower. I couldn't wear any deodorant (or lotions but I never do anyways). I dressed in comfy clothes and sneakers. I had a very light pair of mesh gym shorts and a T-shirt. I very anxiously waited for it to be 10:30 so I could leave for the hospital. Lauren drove us to the hospital because I was so nerved up. lol I brought a little plastic bag with my plugs (earrings), lip ring, and deodorant for after surgery though I didn't end up putting in or using any of that until back at the hotel anyway. I also brought a jock strap per my surgeon's orders.
We got to the hotel. It's a huge medical center. It took us a few to find the actual building we needed to be in but we were early anyways so it was fine. We get to the waiting room and were sitting there. I was freaking out. I started crying. lol Kendra held me, reassured me I was not going to die. I'm a worrier. It's in my nature. I wasn't worried about bad results or anything like that. I was and still am very confident and comfortable in my surgeon's abilities. I was just scared about having surgery. I've had surgery once before, for my chest, but I was still pretty scared about dying. It's always a possibility that you'll die during surgery but realistically it's very unlikely. I calmed down after a couple minutes. They finally called me into the pre-op room.
Nurses took my vitals. My blood pressure was 153/98!!!!! That is way high for me. I was nervous as heck. The nurses were really nice though. I felt like I was in good hands. They joked with me and made me feel okay. They comforted me. They had me get into a Johnny, footies, and one of those blue caps. They ran the IV and I was really scared of that because I hate IVs but the lady did a good job of it. They called Kendra and Lauren to come and sit with me in there while they gave me lots of fluids via the IV. The nurses asked me a million questions. The anesthesiologist came in and also asked me a bunch of questions. My surgeon came in, asked me a few questions. He checked things out really quick and made some marks on me. This was his first time seeing my genitals in person. I met him one time at the First Event conference in Boston and talked with him a little but we never had an in person consultation. He had me e-mail him high quality photos of my genitals and from the pictures he determined that I was a good candidate for this surgery. We also had a phone consultation about a week prior to surgery where he went over everything with me and answered any questions I had. I all ready knew almost everything I needed to know before that though because I had listened to his presentation at First Event and I had been e-mailing him ever since with all my random questions. He is amazing at getting back to you via your email inquiries.
So after that I just waited with my friends for probably about an hour. The anesthesiologist came back and gave me some medicine to relax me and then they took me to surgery. I know she said she wasn't going to start putting me to sleep until I was all ready in the operating room but honestly I don't remember ever seeing the operating room. lol So I'm assuming I knocked out pretty quickly.
Surgery took 4 hours. I haven't talked to my surgeon so I'm not sure why it took longer than expected. He anticipated 2-3 hours. He said usually it takes about 2.5 but I ended up in there for 4. No idea why. The nurses said nothing went wrong so I don't know why. I'll have to ask him next time I talk to him. Anyways, I woke up in the recovery room. I guess I had been in the recovery room for about 2 hours. I woke up and was extremely out of it. I was very disoriented, dizzy and confused but had no pain at all in my penis or testicles. Just soreness on the incision for my pubic lift when the recovery nurse started having me move. (For reference, the pubic lift is a horizontal incision across the pubic area where my surgeon cut some skin out and lifted the whole genital area up and sewed that horizontal incision shut. This lifts the penis and balls so that it is in a more masculine position in the front of the body, rather then in between the legs where a female bodied person's genitals usually are located. It is very helpful and making everything be where it's supposed to but it feels really sore and tight because they pulled everything upwards and sewed it!) She helped stand me up and then sat me in a reclining chair. She had me sit for a few minutes, honestly I have no concept of time so I don't know how long but it seemed very short. They had put me in the jockstrap while I was still under anesthesia, I guess? Because I woke up wearing it I think unless they did it while I was half out of it. They actually might have, I can't really remember. Either way the jock strap was put on me at some point. And while I was in the chair they pulled the jock strap down and showed me my new genitals! I was happy but mind you I couldn't lean forward at all whatsoever because of the pubic lift incision which makes the whole area very tight and sore. Because I couldn't lean forward and because the pubic area and penis was so swollen I couldn't see the balls at all! I remember distinctly asking the nurse "Are there balls in there?" lol To which she very politely replied, "Yes there are two testicular implants." lol
They called in Kendra and Lauren. They gave them a bunch of post-op directions, thank God they told them because I would have never remembered. Then I had to pee so the nurse walked me over to the bathroom. My legs were like jello! I was super dizzy but the nurse guided me all the way there, brought me to the bathroom. But then she left me at the toilet alone to pee and I was like way too high for that. So I sat down and peed but I know something went wrong, I can't remember what it was. Maybe I was confused about how to wipe or maybe I couldn't get the jock strap. Maybe I was just scared cuz blood was dripping and anytime I see blood I freak out and think somethings wrong. lol I can't remember what it was exactly, I just know I ended up needing her help. I called for her but she couldn't hear me. There was probably a bell to ring but I was super disoriented at this point so I didn't think of that. I knocked on the door from the inside but still nothing so then I just opened the door and like anyone around there so me very naked because I was just standing at the door, jockstrap around my knees, dripping blood and looking nasty lol The resident sitting at the desk definitely saw all of my goods and services. lol So the nurse was waiting right outside the door and when I opened it she saw I needed help so she came in and helped me. That's when this second nurse who was super super nice came in to help. One lady helped me stay stable while the other grabbed me some baby wipes and they told me not to wipe but just dab the area so I did. Then they walked me back to the reclining chair I was in before.
They got me graham crackers and ginger ale and regular crackers. I ate them all and drank the ginger ale. I didn't feel nauseous or anything. They showed my friends how to empty my drain tube. The nurse like managed to splash so much of my drain blood/fluid everywhere and in hindsight it's really kinda funny but also very gross. At the time I was way too messed up and out of it to be phased by it. But looking back it was like on the arm of the chair, on the food table, on my leg. lol very gross. The other nurse came with alcohol pads and was wiping the areas where the blood splashed. Then the nurses got me situated and then the really super nice nurse helped get me in a wheel chair. I felt safe with that nurse because I could tell she cared. Not that the other nurse didn't, but I just felt like the other nurse was more robotic whereas this second nurse just went above and beyond for me. She ended up offering to take over I think it was so the other nurse could go do something else. I kept telling her how grateful I was and how awesome she was. And she kept complimenting me. I don't remember the words she used but basically she was telling me that I was like inspiring and awesome because I'm trans. She didn't use those exact words, she couldn't say the words trans because we were like in the hospital and she was pushing me in the wheel chair so she obviously didn't want to out me but she was basically saying it without saying it. Like just telling me, she thought I was awesome and strong for doing what I was doing. We had a 'moment.' You know? lol For real, I wish I could remember what was actually said. Some point during this time I was starting to get feeling back in my genitals. The nurses told me they used Novocaine to numb the area and that I'd slowly start getting feeling back. While I was at the hospital the underside of my penis started to hurt. I would later see that's because there are tons of stitches on the underside of my penis. Yukky! But it didn't hurt too bad, it was just a little. They gave me a percocet before I left the hospital. They offered to give me pain medication via the IV but I didn't feel like I needed it. Speaking of which, if anyone's wondering the Dr. prescribed me 5mg percocets and told me to take 1-2 every four hours as needed. He also prescribed antibiotics for me to take 4 times a day for the next 7 days to prevent infection.
Anyways, they get me in the car. And then we went to Walmart to fill the script. I was feeling quite good. Kendra held my hand and stayed right by me. We walked very slowly, me kind of waddling and walking like a cowboy, we walked to the pharmacy. While the script was being filled me and Kendra walked a little. It felt good to stretch my legs and use them. Also, one of the ER nurses before surgery was going on and on about how I needed to do a lot of walking post-op to prevent blood clots but then the recovery room nurses were like "a nurse told you to walk around a lot? no, you're really not supposed to do a ton of walking." so we checked with my surgeon's office and the recovery room nurses were right, they said, I should do my normal walking, like walk to the bathroom walk to do the "normal" things I would do but don't do tons of walking like any excessive walking more so then I would usually do because my body really needs to heal. So basically that first nurse in the ER didn't know what she was talking about. Let that be a lesson to listen to the orders of your doctor's staff and your doctor himself because a lot of times doctors work out of big facilities with nurses who aren't specifically familiar with your procedure and they might give you the wrong advice. Luckily, no harm no foul, we found out that I shouldn't do a ton of walking before leaving the hospital. So I've just been doing a little walking. While at Walmart it felt real good to use my legs. I guess they were up in stirrups all surgery long so like the pinky toes on both feet were like numb/pins and needles for whatever reason. I guess the position they had my feet in but so walking was nice and at the time the Novocaine hadn't fully worn off so I wasn't in much pain. While at Walmart I bought an extra pillow.
Then they took me home. I got into bed. I have a laptop tray to keep my laptop off of my genitals. Peeing was really rough for the first day because its hard to get in and out of bed and then to get on the toilet. And the actual act of peeing burned really bad for the first day or so because during surgery they put a catheter in so it irritates the urethra and what not. Oh and because there is so much swelling down there when I pee the stream is just absolutely insane. lol Like I end up peeing all over my thighs and butt. But I have unscented baby wipes and I just pat the genital area very gently and wipe my legs and butt.
The first few days every time I pulled down the jock strap, there was lots of bleeding. It was really gross. I was scared because I worry about everything so I was paranoid but I talked to my doctors office on the phone and described it to them and they said I was fine. At this point I'm almost completely not bleeding anymore. I only have one section on my right testicle where I still have a tiny bit of blood dribble out sometimes. Otherwise no more bleeding.
I have a drain tube and that needed to be emptied every 4 hours for the first 24 hours and the amount that was in it needed to be recorded. My friend Lauren helped me with all of that. At this point not much is coming out anymore and I only need to empty it about twice a day.
That first night I was in very little pain. I had some achy moments but for the most part I was just fine. very comfortable. I had to slowly progress to solid foods so that first night all I ate was yogurt, crackers, and Ensure nutrition shakes. I had no problem with nausea. I did have to pee a whole lot which was very annoying because it hurt and was hard to get in and out of bed. lol but it was manageable. Kendra and Lauren helped me a lot.
By the way, I really underestimated how much help I was going to need for this surgery. They had to help remind me about meds, and ice packs, and emptying drains, and dressing and cleaning and basically everything! But you can read more about that when I write up about some of the follow up care. lol This will be it for now. Pretty detailed story of surgery day. Next I'll write about how healing has been going since surgery and how follow up care has been.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Surgery Day (quick post)
So I had surgery early this afternoon. It's past midnight so technically it was yesterday afternoon. I'm going to keep this short and elaborate more another day but I just wanted to let everyone know that I had surgery and am doing well!
It took 4 hours. Then I was in recovery for about 2 hours. Then my friends took me to fill my prescriptions and now I'm hanging in the hotel room. I'm feeling surprisingly well and looking surprisingly well considering I just had surgery today. I have A LOT of swelling. lol And that's an under statement. It's at times uncomfortable. And sometimes it hurts a bit. But it really isn't that bad. So far so good.
All righty, well I will definitely write a long detailed description of surgery day sometime soon but for now, it's time to relax and heal. :-)
It took 4 hours. Then I was in recovery for about 2 hours. Then my friends took me to fill my prescriptions and now I'm hanging in the hotel room. I'm feeling surprisingly well and looking surprisingly well considering I just had surgery today. I have A LOT of swelling. lol And that's an under statement. It's at times uncomfortable. And sometimes it hurts a bit. But it really isn't that bad. So far so good.
All righty, well I will definitely write a long detailed description of surgery day sometime soon but for now, it's time to relax and heal. :-)
Monday, July 29, 2013
Why this procedure?
Some guys who are familiar with the many different options for bottom surgery have asked the question "Why have you chosen simple meta with testicle implants and pubic lift over all the other options that are out there?"
I want to answer this question but first I should give just a little background information for those of you who are unfamiliar with the different lower surgery options for trans men.
There are two main branches of genital surgery for trans men: Phalloplasty and Metoidoplasty. There are many pros and cons of each surgery and generally men have to weigh out the pros and cons to decide which main branch is right for them. Once they have decided which which of these two main branches they want to follow then there are tons and tons of options under these two main branches. I'm going to give you a very short list of SOME of the pros and cons of these two main branches of surgery. I'm going to keep it very simplified. If you want more details about the different options and you are a transgender man feel free to contact me and I will connect you with really great resources where you can learn everything you would need to know about lower surgery.
Metoidoplasty: taking the hormonally enlarged clitoris and using it to create the penis. Optional - urethra extension through the penis and scrotoplasty with testicular implants.
Phalloplasty: taking skin from one area of the body and using it to create the penis. Optional - urethra extension through the penis and scrotoplasty with testicular implants.
(Please note again that these pro/con lists are not everything. These are very simplified lists stating only SOME of the things that really weighed in on my personal decision for my body and another person's pro/con list may be very different from mine. But I have certainly done much research on all the options available at this time. I have been researching for the last 7+ years.)
Now, on to why I have chosen simple medoioplasty and scrotoplasty with testicular implants and a pubic lift.
For one, I chose this surgery because I'm not 100% sure which surgery, Phalloplasty or Metoidoplasty is "right" for me. By having the metoidoplasty, I am creating a small penis and scrotum with testicles. Even though it will be on the small side, it is giving me the opportunity to have genitals that match who I am. For me, it's about looking in the mirror and having male genitals, even if they are small, I know it will make me feel so much better than seeing what I have now. By having metoidoplasty (meta) I am in no way preventing myself from later going on and having a phalloplasty over it if at some point down the road I feel that the meta isn't big enough for me to feel 100% complete. I honestly, really want meta to be enough. I love the sensation I have. I don't really want a lot of scarring. I also don't have $25K - $60k for the kind of phallo I would want. And for me, there is just a whole lot of risk with phallo that scares me. But at the same time, I know that if the meta doesn't relieve me of 'most' of my dysphoria I will someday have the phallo over my meta. Even if some day I do go down that road, I feel like the meta is the right decision for me at this time because I know it's going to make me feel so much more comfortable in the mean time.
I am currently not having my urethra extended for a few reasons. One being that if I do eventually have phallo, I do not want the surgeon to have to deal with an all ready surgically altered urethra. Urethra lengthening is arguably the one of the most risky parts of this surgery. Complication rates are pretty high. So I'd rather figure out exactly what will be the last step for my genitals before I extend the urethra.
In other words, urethra extension is very complicated and risky, and I have every intention of taking that risk some day, just not yet. If meta ends up being "enough" for me to feel whole then I will eventually save up money again and have a urethra extended through the meta. If I decide on phallo as my last stage then I will have the urethra extended through the phallo.
I really like certain aspects of the meta. Natural erections. Little scarring. Natural skin color. Much less risky to lose sensation. Obviously the small size is the one con that I have with it. But I really wanna give it a shot and see if this will be enough for me to be fully comfortable. And I know at the very least it's going to make me way more comfortable then I am with my body right now.
I am okay with being a man who has a small penis. I'm not at all okay with being a man who has the genitals I currently have. I know there are many other trans men who do not want genital surgery and are totally happy with how their body is and I think that is awesome. If you're one of those men, then good for you! But I personally am not okay with it on myself and I know that I absolutely need to have genital surgery.
Another lesser reason for why I felt meta now was a good choice, is because just in the last 7 years of reasearching genital surgeries I have seen the surgical techniques improve SOOOO much. Which makes me wonder, what will the surgical techniques be like 10 years from now? If I have meta, and it can at least hold me over for a while, by the time I'm more financially stable (or maybe health insurance finally gets on board) and I can afford a phalloplasty, I bet phalloplasties will be amazingly awesome by then, even more so then they all ready are. But to think about not having surgery for another 10 years, I just can't even fathom that.
Some might say, but ur wasting more money by having a meta and potentially a phallo on top of it. I don't see it as a waste because I can't deal with my body how it is right now. Another thing that goes into my decision is, if you have a phallo and don't like it, you can't say, "okay I change my mind, give me a meta", but if you have a meta first, you CAN later change your mind and say "give me a phallo". So with this surgery, I just see it as a step to figuring out exactly what my wants and needs are. I "want" a big huge penis. lol But do I "need" it to be comfortable is what I'm trying to figure out. And at this point, sensation and natural erections is outweighing the risks of having a phallo.
Again, I certainly haven't ruled out phallo by any means. After seeing some phallos in person I was actually pretty dead set for a while on having a phallo. Because they were magnificent in person. I swear, pictures don't do them justice. If you're a trans guy and you ever have the opportunity to get to a conference where they have lower surgery show and tells be sure to check it out. Anyways, I've also seen some cute natural looking metas and although they're small, the benefits that they offer might be more up my alley. So yada yada that was a very long winded response on MY thoughts and feelings for my own body and why I have made the decision on simple meta.
If you're wondering why I've chose to have testicle implants and a scrotoplasty, well that because I want balls. lol not every trans men has that done and I can't really speak for their reasoning behind it because I'm not one of them. I want them. I feel like I am going to need them to feel comfortable with my genitals.
If you're wondering why I'm having a "pubic lift" which is basically when they cut across your lower abdomen (in the pubic region) and lift up your skin and sew it shut. I'm having that because it pulls the penis and testicles more up front on the body to a more masculine positioning so that the penis and balls are not so in between the legs. If you've ever noticed on a female bodied person the genitals tend to be located lower on the body then on a male bodied person. So the pubic lift is to correct the positioning of everything.
Okay, well, I'm going to post this, I really need to go back over this to check for spelling errors and revise this draft but for now I'm going to post it and I'll edit it soon. I am having surgery tomorrow morning. I'm a little nervous! But mostly I'm just a bit scared of being in pain. I know my surgeon is going to take good care of me. I'm very confident and comfortable in his abilities. I'm being very realistic about the results I can expect (i.e. I'm not expecting to wake up with a huge penis. lol) so I'm not too worried about being disappointed aesthetically because he's a great surgeon. But when it comes to pain, I'm a big baby! So that's what I'm worrying about. lol And just having surgery in general is a scary thing. But I'm crossing my fingers and overall I'm really really excited for tomorrow. :-)
I will be sure to write about how healing goes. I'd also like to write about why I chose this particular surgeon, among other things soon.
I want to answer this question but first I should give just a little background information for those of you who are unfamiliar with the different lower surgery options for trans men.
There are two main branches of genital surgery for trans men: Phalloplasty and Metoidoplasty. There are many pros and cons of each surgery and generally men have to weigh out the pros and cons to decide which main branch is right for them. Once they have decided which which of these two main branches they want to follow then there are tons and tons of options under these two main branches. I'm going to give you a very short list of SOME of the pros and cons of these two main branches of surgery. I'm going to keep it very simplified. If you want more details about the different options and you are a transgender man feel free to contact me and I will connect you with really great resources where you can learn everything you would need to know about lower surgery.
Metoidoplasty: taking the hormonally enlarged clitoris and using it to create the penis. Optional - urethra extension through the penis and scrotoplasty with testicular implants.
- Pros - statistically less complication, cheaper, natural genital skin color, very little scarring, natural erections, less risk of sensation loss/changes
- Cons - very small, to the point that sometimes peeing through your fly is difficult/impossible and possibly too small to participate in penetrative sex
Phalloplasty: taking skin from one area of the body and using it to create the penis. Optional - urethra extension through the penis and scrotoplasty with testicular implants.
- Pros - large adult sized penis which if done successfully is capable of normal penetrative sex and there is no problem peeing through the fly.
- Cons - riskier surgery (higher complication rates), results in more scarring then meta, a device needs to be implanted to make erections possible, higher risk of sensation change/loss, electrolysis is often needed because of hair on the donor site, much more expensive
(Please note again that these pro/con lists are not everything. These are very simplified lists stating only SOME of the things that really weighed in on my personal decision for my body and another person's pro/con list may be very different from mine. But I have certainly done much research on all the options available at this time. I have been researching for the last 7+ years.)
Now, on to why I have chosen simple medoioplasty and scrotoplasty with testicular implants and a pubic lift.
For one, I chose this surgery because I'm not 100% sure which surgery, Phalloplasty or Metoidoplasty is "right" for me. By having the metoidoplasty, I am creating a small penis and scrotum with testicles. Even though it will be on the small side, it is giving me the opportunity to have genitals that match who I am. For me, it's about looking in the mirror and having male genitals, even if they are small, I know it will make me feel so much better than seeing what I have now. By having metoidoplasty (meta) I am in no way preventing myself from later going on and having a phalloplasty over it if at some point down the road I feel that the meta isn't big enough for me to feel 100% complete. I honestly, really want meta to be enough. I love the sensation I have. I don't really want a lot of scarring. I also don't have $25K - $60k for the kind of phallo I would want. And for me, there is just a whole lot of risk with phallo that scares me. But at the same time, I know that if the meta doesn't relieve me of 'most' of my dysphoria I will someday have the phallo over my meta. Even if some day I do go down that road, I feel like the meta is the right decision for me at this time because I know it's going to make me feel so much more comfortable in the mean time.
I am currently not having my urethra extended for a few reasons. One being that if I do eventually have phallo, I do not want the surgeon to have to deal with an all ready surgically altered urethra. Urethra lengthening is arguably the one of the most risky parts of this surgery. Complication rates are pretty high. So I'd rather figure out exactly what will be the last step for my genitals before I extend the urethra.
In other words, urethra extension is very complicated and risky, and I have every intention of taking that risk some day, just not yet. If meta ends up being "enough" for me to feel whole then I will eventually save up money again and have a urethra extended through the meta. If I decide on phallo as my last stage then I will have the urethra extended through the phallo.
I really like certain aspects of the meta. Natural erections. Little scarring. Natural skin color. Much less risky to lose sensation. Obviously the small size is the one con that I have with it. But I really wanna give it a shot and see if this will be enough for me to be fully comfortable. And I know at the very least it's going to make me way more comfortable then I am with my body right now.
I am okay with being a man who has a small penis. I'm not at all okay with being a man who has the genitals I currently have. I know there are many other trans men who do not want genital surgery and are totally happy with how their body is and I think that is awesome. If you're one of those men, then good for you! But I personally am not okay with it on myself and I know that I absolutely need to have genital surgery.
Another lesser reason for why I felt meta now was a good choice, is because just in the last 7 years of reasearching genital surgeries I have seen the surgical techniques improve SOOOO much. Which makes me wonder, what will the surgical techniques be like 10 years from now? If I have meta, and it can at least hold me over for a while, by the time I'm more financially stable (or maybe health insurance finally gets on board) and I can afford a phalloplasty, I bet phalloplasties will be amazingly awesome by then, even more so then they all ready are. But to think about not having surgery for another 10 years, I just can't even fathom that.
Some might say, but ur wasting more money by having a meta and potentially a phallo on top of it. I don't see it as a waste because I can't deal with my body how it is right now. Another thing that goes into my decision is, if you have a phallo and don't like it, you can't say, "okay I change my mind, give me a meta", but if you have a meta first, you CAN later change your mind and say "give me a phallo". So with this surgery, I just see it as a step to figuring out exactly what my wants and needs are. I "want" a big huge penis. lol But do I "need" it to be comfortable is what I'm trying to figure out. And at this point, sensation and natural erections is outweighing the risks of having a phallo.
Again, I certainly haven't ruled out phallo by any means. After seeing some phallos in person I was actually pretty dead set for a while on having a phallo. Because they were magnificent in person. I swear, pictures don't do them justice. If you're a trans guy and you ever have the opportunity to get to a conference where they have lower surgery show and tells be sure to check it out. Anyways, I've also seen some cute natural looking metas and although they're small, the benefits that they offer might be more up my alley. So yada yada that was a very long winded response on MY thoughts and feelings for my own body and why I have made the decision on simple meta.
If you're wondering why I've chose to have testicle implants and a scrotoplasty, well that because I want balls. lol not every trans men has that done and I can't really speak for their reasoning behind it because I'm not one of them. I want them. I feel like I am going to need them to feel comfortable with my genitals.
If you're wondering why I'm having a "pubic lift" which is basically when they cut across your lower abdomen (in the pubic region) and lift up your skin and sew it shut. I'm having that because it pulls the penis and testicles more up front on the body to a more masculine positioning so that the penis and balls are not so in between the legs. If you've ever noticed on a female bodied person the genitals tend to be located lower on the body then on a male bodied person. So the pubic lift is to correct the positioning of everything.
Okay, well, I'm going to post this, I really need to go back over this to check for spelling errors and revise this draft but for now I'm going to post it and I'll edit it soon. I am having surgery tomorrow morning. I'm a little nervous! But mostly I'm just a bit scared of being in pain. I know my surgeon is going to take good care of me. I'm very confident and comfortable in his abilities. I'm being very realistic about the results I can expect (i.e. I'm not expecting to wake up with a huge penis. lol) so I'm not too worried about being disappointed aesthetically because he's a great surgeon. But when it comes to pain, I'm a big baby! So that's what I'm worrying about. lol And just having surgery in general is a scary thing. But I'm crossing my fingers and overall I'm really really excited for tomorrow. :-)
I will be sure to write about how healing goes. I'd also like to write about why I chose this particular surgeon, among other things soon.
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